Agony Hound: My Boyfriend has Disappeared Every Weekend for the Past Three Years and I've Just Found Out He's Been Lying About Where he Goes

Tricky one this one, and gets more complicated down the page. It started off on Reddit but my source for it is on Instagram, here. If you have difficulty reading the pictures, clicking on them will open them tumescent.

Suffice to say that the advice given on both Reddit and Instagram was either that he was cheating on her with someone else or she was the side trick and he was spending the weekends with his wife. And that would seem to be the obvious explanation for the boyfriend vanishing every weekend and fibbing. But there's a plot twist...

Which is that she had it out with him and demanded to know what he was actually doing every weekend. When she did this he told her that what he was doing was volunteering in an animal rescue centre. The reason he hadn't told her was that he likes doing things to be helpful for other people and animals but had got bullied about it as an undergraduate. The experience had been so bad that he'd changed over to only doing things in a secret way and not talking about it.

I have a particular reaction to this that I think may not be shared by everyone: certainly the girlfriend found this very sweet and will decide what she wants to do. Although frankly if you're the sort of person who asks advice about your personal life on an internet forum you may not make your own mind up.

My instant reaction is that I'm not sure how this reflects on him or the relationship. While I totally appreciate how being bullied twists your life and motivates you to do strange things, I hope that he can move on from thinking that he would have to hide anything from his girlfriend. Frankly he's not putting the relationship first, this could still be seen as deceptive and she would be quite reasonable to feel very hurt that he didn't trust her enough to tell her what he was doing.

My concern would be that this might suggest a pattern of him thinking about his own needs and not hers: basically he's not thinking of them as a couple. I would still look on this as a red flag for her depending on how things progress after him coming clean. I hope she can communicate the effect this had on her and he can start trusting her.

Because with a 🍆 like that it would be so great if he was emotionally literate as well!

George Santos

Content warning: mental health, abuse

I am strangely fascinated by expelled Congressman and compulsive liar George Santos. How can anyone go through life just fibbing left, right and centre, and expect not to be caught out? It's wild.

In fact one of the reasons I'm so fascinated is that it happens I do know somebody like that who embroiders his history, and who has the exact same thing that you literally can't get a straight answer from him. When I met this person the people over us were sufficiently bothered that they asked him for his CV, which seems straightforward enough. I happen to know that it was a) fictional, b) voluminous and c) barking mad.

And that's the problem, that despite my background in mental health these two men make no sense to me. Typically psychotic beliefs just develop over time but don't change as these guys' stories do. Do they believe the fibs they tell? I can't believe that if someone was acutely mentally unwell enough not to be able to hold their own personality together, they would be able to function in life to, say, get up in the morning or carry on their normal activities. Nothing here makes sense.

I think there's a difference between my acquaintance (who luckily has an unusual name as well as a mania for publishing his lives on the internet so I can keep track of his changing story) doesn't profit by doing this. George Santos has apparently made significant profits from his lies, but my friend has never been well off and has had quite a disjointed life because of the need to keep moving on to a new fantasy when people catch up with him. In common with Santos my friend has also gone by a couple of different names, changing by deed poll, probably to match different identities. As a result the rest of his family currently have a completely different name to him. 🤦 He also has a history of saying he has various illnesses he didn't actually have.

It's also interesting to me that Santos has now started revealing things about the people who voted for his expulsion. The responsible thing, of course, would have been to reveal them using the appropriate channels anyway, since he knew them anyway. Revealing them as retribution feels like he was okay with everyone being corrupt as long as he was safe.

Time to draw some tarot cards! I'm expecting them to be all over the place which they nearly always are with people who are a bit psychopathic.

First it must be said that when shuffling the cards for this kind of reading I tend to take the ones that draw themselves to my attention, usually by sticking out or leaping out. In this case initially no cards stuck out of the deck, but then quite a lot did, and I picked the ones that felt prominent. This feels like his life and personality are very wide-ranging and he has loads of stuff going on, and obviously doesn't want to reveal everything. Frankly he may not be able to hold all his life together in his mind's eye, and may even see his life as a series of snap shots: I suspect this is something he has in common with my friend, who tends to talk about one fantasy at a time. 

First we have the King of Wands, which doesn't surprise me in the slightest. This king is Fire of Fire, the motive power behind the will. He represents the spark which starts things and is utterly unpredictable.

Next we have Justice, a Major Arcana card representing equilibrium or balance. I was expecting the cards to be all over the shop but nobody could put the word balance in the same sentence as Santos.

Then we have 8 of Pentacles, which the Golden Dawn called the Lord of Prudence, another word nobody could mention in connection with him: an indication that when faced with someone as fluid as George Santos the tarot tends to revert to snapshots of aspects of the person's life and personality. Interestingly this is an accurate reflection of what both my friend and George Santos do: tell one fantasy at a time and don't reference the others they've told. In this of course, if they actually are consciously lying and don't believe their story in the there and then, they are spectacularly bad liars. Lying, surely, requires an ability to make your lie hang consistently with the rest of your story and they don't even try. It's possible, of course, that they think everyone does this, and that there is no such thing as truth, everyone telling the story that suits them at the time. If this is the case, the roots of doing this will certainly reach all the way back to childhood: not necessarily abuse but some very inconsistent and incapable parenting, probably in quite a desperate situation. Normally the 8 of Pentacles has a significant reference to work or study and is sometimes called the apprentice card. It is seen as a positive sign that you aren't where you're aiming for yet, but you can get there. Ironically it has a more negative connotation that you're focussing on the small things and not paying attention to the whole picture: those snap shots again.

Next is The Emperor, another Major Arcana card which I wouldn't expect to be around George Santos, but I must remember that this reading has been triggered by my wondering at the fictional nature of his public persona! The Emperor represents the setting down of battle in exchange for rule of law: it's very stable and settled. The Hebrew letter attributed to it indicates a vision into the inner world which nurtures this stability.

Finally we have Strength, yet another Major which is the only one I would have expected to be here! It represents the subduing of nature or animal impulses. Again this may sound odd, but it's the first indicator we've had that animal instincts and impulses even exist in him, and they must surely be present for someone to lie his way into the US Congress.

Perhaps putting this together it's not as contradictory as it seemed to start with. We have an ability to make things happen, even if it is completely unpredictable, leading to an (attempted?) balance or equilibrium. This is spurred on by Santos's ability to work at things, although his tendency to focus on the snapshot in time and inability or unwillingness to look at the whole thing, is what messes this up for him. The Emperor and Strength (and the other cards indicating stability or equilibrium) I think also indicate his self perception or what he wants to happen: it ain't gonna happen but this is the tarot reading of someone who's barmy.

There is another imbalance here, though. In a reading of only five cards he's got the disproportionate number of three of the less numerous Major Arcana. These represent the greater powers in life, the sort of things we can't always control. To get that number suggests he really isn't in control at all. I get the distinct impression of someone who's feeling out of control, trying to control his life but doesn't have the ability to do it in a way which doesn't involve fibbing and so self sabotaging. I think he's one of these people who've had (not necessarily through anyone's fault) an upbringing which hasn't given him the ability to function in society or have sensible coping strategies. If you like the problem is one of poverty rather than violence. This poverty of agency is reflected in only one 'pip' card, the ones which represent actions or events we can control. He's also unfortunate enough to get the apprentice card, reflecting a need to learn how to carry himself. He's also unfortunate to get as his sole Court Card (representing people or personality characteristics) one of the most fiery and unpredictable.

This guy's a trainwreck of inability to live and unstable will and instincts, fighting with his desire for stability and equilibrium. 

It's entirely possible he just didn't understand that standing for Congress would expose him to a level of scrutiny that would reveal the way he carries on his life. But as a final question I have to ask tarot what on earth possessed him to stand for Congress when what has actually happened could well eventuate? He gets one of the barmiest answers you could wish for: the 8 of Cups, Lord of Abandoned Success. This is usually seen as a positive card, the uneven arrangement of the cups suggesting that the success the person is abandoning was somehow wrong and they're reaching for something better or higher. It's possible he has a poisonous combination of poverty of ability and ruthless ambition, or he may have seen Congress as something he deserved or the rule represented by the Emperor. 

But we know his failure to hold his story together was always going to screw the ambition up. This may sound rather uncharacteristic of the fiery Hound, but I'm feeling rather sorry for him in a way I wasn't at the start of this reading. Still wouldn't lend him a fiver and expect to get it back, though.

Next is Jeremy C..., sorry, Hunt

 Of course you all knew that Jeremy Hunt, currently Chancellor of the Exchequer, was looking to be cursed, didn't you.

Jeremy Richard Streynsham Hunt*, you are cursed and nothing you do prospers.

*Another stupid bloody name although not as bad as Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.

I commented in a previous post in this series that an important ritual in chaos magic is banishing things by laughing at them and you can help this curse along by watching this video of broadcasters referring to Mr... Hhhhhunt by his correct name.

And if you'd like to be entertained there's this from some years ago by my favourite journalist, Jonathan Pie:

I'm not Cursing my Own MP

... although that's largely because she (Shabhana Mahmood, Labour, Birmingham Ladywood) cursed herself by abstaining in the ceasefire vote as she was whipped, and as reported in the Birmingham Dispatch has rightly drawn significant backlash for this. She even put out a mealy mouthed statement about the rules of war reflecting the statement from Starmer that started the row. I'm therefore not feeling the need to intervene at this point.

It's helped by the fact that this constituency is one of the ones with the biggest Moslem populations in the country. You will see from the handy graphic that the reality does not represent the completely Islamic Birmingham that the gammons fantasize about.

I am delighted to say that there have been protests and plans are being made to take her out at the next election:

Protest: We went along to the protest in Alum Rock to speak with residents. The demo was peaceful with a lot of families and children present. Some very impassioned speeches were made, many of which called on constituents to use their vote to remove Mahmood from her seat. We spoke to a young woman called Maleeha Khan who said:

There are innocent children dying. Everyday we're seeing kids losing their parents, losing every family member that they have and yet our voices are not doing anything. And people that we've voted to represent us are failing to do so. We will no longer vote for these people if they don't represent our views.

Mohammed Jahangir, 55, a researcher in Engineering at the University of Birmingham lives in Harborne — Gill’s constituency — but came to the nearest protest he could find. He referenced the UK position on the Russia-Ukraine conflict and said: “We want the UK Government to send the same message that oppression of this type shouldn't be happening.”

Backlash: Lib Dem councillor for Aston Ayoub Khan, who stood against Mahmood for the Ladywood seat in 2010, was at the protest and made a speech. He told The Dispatch he is “confident there will be a massive turnout against Shabana Mahmood” and that “she will lose her seat”. Source

That kinda sounds a bit prophetic doesn't it? 'She will lose her seat'?

It would be especially prophetic because I would love to see that sizeable Labour majority overturned and get something else (don't worry, the right whingers in this constituency are so few and far between even if you divide the Labour vote FPTP would still be very unlikely to give us a Con member so I'm not bothered about that). She does her casework but she does exactly what she's whipped to do and in common with the rest of the Labour party no longer offers an effective opposition and it's time. A change would be overturning nearly ninety years of history and I looove to expect the impossible!

Images: religious composition table ONS, election tables Wikipedia

And Next is the Wrong in the US

And next to be cursed* is the hard right (actually wrong) in the US.

You are cursed. Your power wanes as this candle burns down and nothing you do prospers. What you want for others returns to you.

ProximaBlue I've done this as a general thing because the video you sent me isn't viewable in the UK. Happy to do specific politicians if you give me names of course.

*Although of course like the rest of humanity they are the real source of any curse.

Urban Grimoire: Candle Magic Made Uncomplicated

If you want to join in my streak of cursing politicians but aren't sure what to do here is candle magic made easy.

It is not an ancient magic because candles only came in to common use in the nineteenth century, but does utilise ancient magical techniques: identifying one thing with another and effecting change, the use of the elements, and so on.

You will need:

A candle of your choice (it helps if it reminds you of the target in some way but the candle's colour and shape really don't matter).

Somewhere safe to burn it. Best to use a candlestick and never leave it unattended.

Optional: 

A knife or pen to write or carve your purpose onto the candle before or after stage 2 below.

What to do:

1. Take your candle in your hands and form your intention in your mind. Tell your candle what it means and what is going to happen. Say it as a statement of fact, out loud if you wish.

Eg 'Donald John Trump is in prison' or 'Joe Bloggs recovers from cancer'.

2. Next you dress the candle. You will read a lot of complex stuff in the books about doing this but IMHO the simplest way to get your purpose into the candle is to dress it with the oil produced by your own skin. Simply rub your fingers on the side of your nose and then rub them onto the candle, knowing that this is identifying the candle with your desire. I like to dress down from the wick for things I want to decline and upwards for things I want to grow.

Keep dressing the candle until it feels right. By this I mean that you will feel the intention leave you. If you're doing the head bit right here, you will either feel relieved, tired, or like you've had enough of it.

3. Burn the candle in a safe place. You can either do it as quickly as you want or a little bit each day. As you do this see your desired outcome in your mind's eye. If you need a picture to look at of course it's fine.

I think it's fine to blow it out at the end of each session.

4. Burn it until it goes out on its own and dispose of any remaining wax in a symbolic way. I simply scrape the bits into the bin but if the spell is for something you want you could keep them as a charm.

5. Try not to think about it. Difficult, obviously. If you know you're going to keep scratching the itch add an intent to start off with that that will strengthen the spell.

Caution about the side effects of magic: magic does not return threefold as some people claim and frankly as adults we need to be responsible for our actions rather than running round paralyzed by fear of retribution like Christians. However there is a great tradition that magic primarily acts on the magician, so if you've cursed a politician, for example, you might suddenly find yourself becoming very politically active for their opposition. In history I think most practitioners of this sort of practical magic have tended to be driven to it by fear and powerlessness so there's an irony in the way it affects you and changes you, including making you feel empowered.

Happy witching!

Yet Another Curse

Although this idiot's cursed himself. Very gratified that his telling Labour MPs to vote against a ceasefire in Gaza seems to have driven a roller through the shadow cabinet and initiated a full scale rebellion. 👏

Keir Rodney Starmer you are cursed. Every death you cause returns to you and nothing you do can prosper.

Shout out to Tahir Ali (Birmingham Hall Green), Liam Byrne (Birmingham Hodge Hill), Khalid Mahmood (Birmingham Perry Barr), and Jess Phillips (Birmingham Yardley) for doing the right thing. The blessing of the witch is on you.

I don't know the others but I just knew we could rely on our very own Jess Phillips: she's like the Beorma spirit distilled into one person.

And the next

...is, of course, Rishi business.

Rishi Sunak, you are cursed. Nothing you do prospers and every death you cause returns to you. Your downfall is happening now.

Magic is a Wild Thing

Sometimes my own magic surprises me with its unexpected effects.

In this case we've gone, in a few days, from the Home Secretary (may her name be forgotten and she face a lengthy prison sentence) making out that peaceful demonstrations at the Cenotaph on Armistice Day were hate marches...

To the usually hopeless constabulary managing correctly to arrest the far-right counter-protestors that turned up and not the protestors calling for a ceasefire, the media (EVEN the Daily Fail) accurately recording what actually happened and EVERYONE, even high ups in the police and army, correctly placing the blame for what happened at the door of Cruella Braverman and howling for her to be sacked.

Could it be the Establishment have finally had enough of this government?

There is some worry floating around that being sacked would help her bid to be leader of the Tóraidhe party: but it's no bother if she is. Her policies appeal to the actual far right rather than traditional Tory party members and both constituencies hate the colour of her face, so it wouldn't help them.

I think there might actually be hope for 🇬🇧 after all.

Another Curse

Stipe me they're queueing up to be cursed.

Sue-Ellen Cassiana Braverman* you are cursed. Every death you cause returns to you. Nothing you do can prosper and you are doomed.

This curse is strengthened every time anyone mentions, buys, eats, or even thinks of tofu.

And let us not forget that in chaos magic laughter is a very powerful banishing ritual and here we have a mistress of banishing:

*Stupid name.

Holy Shit This Country is Fucked

According to Lubaba Khalid, the Leader of the Opposition, Sir Keir Starmer, said on LBC that Israel has the right to withhold water and electricity to Gaza, meaning everyone.

No they don't. This is collective punishment, punishing people not responsible for the wrong acts being punished. It also happens to be a war crime under Common Article 33 of the Geneva Conventions and Additional Protocol II. And he has no excuse for not knowing that because he used to be a fucking human rights lawyer.

What he should have done was condemn both Hamas's attack on Israelis and also Israel cutting off essential supplies indiscriminately to the whole population of Gaza.

So what we have here is more than reason enough to consider voting Labour is impossible because I for one will not be responsible for electing as PM a man who supports war crimes. Up till now I've had differences of opinion with him but this is a moral matter.

Of course I have some thoughts on this:

1 I have thought for some time that Labour are looking around at the sheer task involved in sorting the mess of 13 years of Tory rule, know that of course they're the only party likely to be voted in at the next election and are getting cold feet. They are therefore doing all they can to ensure they lose as much support as possible and don't get a majority.

3 The Tories are nearing the end of their asset stripping so need Labour to be elected soon so they can blame them.

4 Up till now I have advocated tactical voting to get the Tories out and still think that is the moral option as long as the tactical vote in your constituency isn't Labour. If it is I would vote for the minority party of my choice: in fact this is what I will be doing because this constituency is a safe Labour seat so there's little to no risk of returning a Tóraidhe MP.

5 Hear me out on this one: the wiser voices in the Conservative party have been pushing for them to call an election for ages, because they're like a cartoon character running off the end of cliff in thin air. But (deep breath) I never thought I would say this, and would obviously always condemn anyone voting for them as a cunt, but I think the best long term outcome for the country would be if we have another Tory government. If we elect Labour they'll just come back in the future, but if we have another term it will ensure the annihilation of the Conservative party permanently. Both because of their disastrous policies and because even more of their core supporters would have died off.

6 If that happens Labour will take the Tory party's place and decent people will vote Lib Dems/Green/True and Fair. I am not sure how much actual support Labour would get at that point, having carefully frozen out so many of their supporters.

But I know that I expect the PM to condemn war crimes and this is where voting is an even more moral issue.

 

The Witch Mediates Fate

'If Miss Treason gave judgement against you, it was really not a good idea (everyone said) to ask for your present back, as being turned into something small and sticky often offends.' Terry Pratchett

I posted in June about how Birmingham City Council had the temerity to have a run in with me after not paying their staff right for years and how I just knew something big was coming. Obviously I'm not responsible for the complete financial collapse which followed (they are) but the point was witches tend to get placed in turning points in life and history and oversee people either fucking themselves up or sorting things out.

Then in July I reflected on how Boris Johnson was flailing around like someone cursed by me. Of course he was - I cursed him last year. 

Of course there was only one way my magical signature was going to play out with Birmingham Shitty Council, and I noted that the council were claiming that they would not be putting in a Section 114 notice. This is the declaration required by law to say that a council cannot meet its spending obligations (full details here). I, of course, said that they would be making this declaration.

Bab, I'm not even going to bother telling you what happened next. You already know.

There is a very powerful magic spell which in Muggle terms is called an audit. What happened next was they got audited and I think we can truthfully say that while we all expected it to be bad, even I wasn't prepared for the full extent of utter incompetence that was revealed. And I mean even to the extent that their electronic accounts were so insecure that just anyone could literally alter them. Utter shambles.

This is exactly the sort of turning point my magic revolves around although I've been little more than an interested observer in this one.

I can also tell them what's coming next, and since the council are still claiming that central government will not need to get involved, obviously that's what will happen. This isn't even really a prediction, apparently it nearly always happens when a council collapses.

Fools, utter fools.

Urban Grimoire: The Benefits of Blocking

I have written here before about the similarities of many acts we perform in social media with some of the classical magical acts. This post is inspired by my complete conversion to the satisfying act of blocking other accounts on social media.

You'll note of course that I say 'accounts' rather than 'people', and the sad fact is that many of the most annoying accounts on social media aren't people at all, they're computers pretending to be people and this is only going to get worse as Artificial Intelligence improves.

That said, judging by the conversational ability of some people I would rather communicate with AI but that's a whole different subject.

In fact sometimes I wonder whether troll accounts' relentless parroting of stupid things means the person behind them even is technically a person. You have to wonder whether the lack of empathy or conscience of these people actually means they're lacking some essential human characteristics.

Be that as it may, you don't want to deal with them and my message of hope for the world is that you don't have to.

Block them.

Go on, don't even say anything to them, just block them.

Now, if you're thinking that they're saying stupid dangerous things on the internet and someone has to challenge their nonsense because other people might be affected by it, you're just proving that you do have a conscience and empathy for other people, which it is important to remember that internet trolls don't. In fact I used to think that they should be combatted but have abandoned that idea. I think the reality in 2023 is that the world has divided between the nice people who live in reality and the idiots who don't. Yes, I know I'm being horrible, but we live in a shitty world populated by cunts and I'm not going to waste my remaining years arguing with them.

So I have changed position on this and honestly it's glorious.

I've gone from regretfully blocking the most annoying accounts occasionally to full scale block fests. While I was still on Twitter I once blocked 367 accounts in one sitting. I've even started leaving a passive aggressive ending on comments that I'll just block you if you reply stupidly. I block people because I don't like their profile picture. I block them because their dog is over groomed. I block them because I don't like their house. The slightest mention of bitcoin and you're blocked. I even block people because I've taken one of my famous dislikes to them; all these as well as the more obvious reasons that their politics, racial views and anything else about them are loathsome.

The magical act which I think this is most like is either binding (although specific to me, not stopping them harming generally, which would be more like reporting them) or one of those spells where you just fade into the background so the target doesn't notice you. It actually does have a magical power because it's not allowing the account to have access to you. I just don't think it's true when people say people only have the power over you that you allow them, because, hello, what about rape. But in social media terms it is actually possible to stop someone having access to you at the press of a button.

I've actually started setting out to block people: yes I know I'm a misanthropist but I have found that blocking a lot of people has the effect of quietening down the conversation on a lot of posts. The best way to do this is to find one of sort of posts which are like a magnet to gammons and MAGATs: usually ones of youngsters misbehaving, of poverty in the US, of people suffering some terrible misfortune, or pictures of groups such as Jews or People of Colour. I honestly don't know what sort of a cunt you have to be to make abusive comments on a video of a mentally ill person, drug addict or asylum seeker, but I know that I don't want them around me and just block them all.

The reader will of course also recognise that a power analysis of this means I'm not giving them power. It took me a long time to get this but not engaging does actually not give them what they want, and might actually make them piss off if they're a real person. And this is absolutely doing the Great Work.

I only have one exception to this which is that I make a point of insulting brexiteers, adding that I'll give them time to read it before blocking them and then block them when they get enraged. Because pointing out their error to Leave voters is a national pleasure and sport just like cricket and cheese rolling, and I have to do that and then block them.

When I started thinking about this post I was thinking that I should probably include a potential downside of blocking loads of accounts, and was thinking that I would probably identify that it would be losing an opportunity to influence the audience to an interaction. However on further reflection I think that in 2023 social media users have no excuse not to have an understanding of how disinformation is used online and will not be easily deflected from vile opinions. If at this stage you're easily influenced by anti-vaxxers, Brexiteers, Donald Trump, the Cuntservative Party and other liars, you are never going to learn except the hard way. I don't have to inflict you on me.

And treating yourself well is the ultimate act of rebellion in our society.

Let's end with Mark calling in to LBC and demonstrating why this country will never have another bloody revolution and ably demonstrating the reason laughing at things is a banishing ritual in chaos magic:

Donald Trump Yet Again

So Bojo and Dorries have both resigned as MPs now and I was particularly delighted with the campaign of trolling that highlighted how Dorries hadn't been doing her job for yonks. This is why I don't think we'll have a bloody revolution in this country: they can't be relentlessly humiliated and know they've lost if they're dead. And we do that so well, it's a national characteristic.

Meanwhile that fuckwit Trump is selling t-shirts saying Never Surrender with a picture of him surrendering for the - is it the fourth or the fifth time? - I've lost count. So let's check in with what's going on shall we.

I'm delighted that if I'd had to guess the tarot cards for his current situation these are pretty much what I would have guessed LOL.

First we have the Knight of Wands. The Knights are the getting on with it and defensive/offensive cards, and that energy is here combined with the suit of Wands. Wands are about doing things, exerting your will or influence, going out and grabbing the pussy. This is a tremendously positive card for the querent (normally).

But not if you then come to the nine of Swords, which is the summit of the troubled, quarrelsome Swords suit. Swords are about thoughts, and let's just say that you really don't want this card appearing in your reading. You will of course see that in the RWS deck there's a suggestion that all nine of your troubles are all lined up in front of you but you can't even bring yourself to look at them. This card is the summit of earthly trouble.

This means so far we have a court card indicating going out and actioning your will, combined with another card where you've got so many troubles you can't even look. When you get those combined you're ideally placed to make even more mistakes (or commit more crimes) because you're rushing about, flailing with your wand, but there is so much going on that you're not examining it properly or thinking about it.

Finally we have the 4 of Pentacles, and it really does make me happy to see this card here. Fours (like the four legs of a table) indicate solidity and stability (or stubbornness if you take it too far) and combined with the element of Earth indicates stability of worldly goods - property, business, money.

That is, it does if it's not preceded by the last two cards and this means I think Trump is feeling the pain financially. Apparently RICO cases are horrendously expensive to defend and I think the particular trouble he's faced with is the realistic prospect that so many lawsuits will actually ruin him. I would hypothesise that he paid his bail with a bondsman on the principle that he doesn't do paying for anything and intends not to pay the bondsman.

Because obviously him also getting pursued by a bounty hunter would be the perfect next drama.

All together these cards indicate he's desperate, flailing around for solutions to the perfect legal storm and actually worried about the money now. 

You can tell, actually, because I'm a native English speaker and can't tell you what the fuck this is about, but I can promise you he couldn't define any of the words he tries to use.

Life Lesson from Donald Trump 3

He's giving us life lessons thick and fast! This one's also easy, and it is that if you find your latest in a succession of lawyers are finding it difficult to manage one of your criminal charges because the court appearances are clashing with appointments in another of your criminal charges, it's time to reconsider your life choices.

The specific one of course being if you are running to be President of the USA you stand down and publish a statement saying that you are still claiming to be innocent but don't want the presidency to be sullied by a candidate undergoing criminal trials.

...That is unless it's all about you.

Grooming

Trigger warning: this post contains descriptions of grooming and abuse.

This is about the process that abusers do to potential victims preparatory to actually abusing them, rather than any other sort of grooming. It is also about real grooming and not the imaginary grooming that right w(h)ingers see in drag, being kind to other people and social justice.

This post is heavily reliant on this page.

Grooming is the process of an abuser building a relationship with a potential victim and sometimes their wider family gaining their trust and power over the child in preparation for abuse.

So we already have several clear features: stranger danger never did really exist and it is now understood that abusers are known to their victims. They build a relationship with the family for the same reason, that if the child's family think they know, and respect and trust, the abuser, they will allow the abuser more opportunities to abuse the child and are less likely to believe the child when s/he says they've been abused.

The page I've linked above stresses that the abuser also makes the child think that what is happening is normal, and to isolate them. The example I've used above of the parents not believing their abused child features the isolation and the way the parents' thinking has also been conditioned by the abuser.

This is of course to gain trust and so grooming is invariably pleasant and kind to start off with. You are conditioned to think that the abuser couldn't possibly do something bad which of course easily crosses into blaming yourself or not trusting yourself.

The abuser then gains power by manipulation and often gifts involving tests. They are testing the victim's compliance and that they won't tell, by starting with lower level boundary violations that are unlikely to give them much trouble, and seeing what the child does. It is only after much testing and setting up the child to think it's them, that actual abuse will happen. Incidentally this is why it simply isn't true when it comes out that an organisation is simply riddled with abuse and everyone is very surprised: in reality unless everyone is lying, this means they haven't noticed all the grooming and because of the number of boundary violations necessary before abuse, there has to be all sorts of other things wrong in the organization that everyone is conveniently missing.

Because it just doesn't happen that adults who know their victims suddenly start raping them with no warning: there are always warnings.

But the knowledge of this pattern of abusive behaviour - building a relationship, gaining trust, making the victim trapped and isolated, gaining power by manipulation, making the victim think they're initiating it, then actually abusing - is a very useful knowledge to have. Not only to recognise it in children (the linked page has a list of signs a child is being groomed) but because it is handy to recognise when someone is trying to groom you in reality.

Now I'm going to be my usual inappropriate self and say that since I was a psychiatric nurse for 25 years I gained the kind of reactions and gallows humour you get from dealing with endless trauma day in and day out. It is not unusual in the profession to hear a particularly arse-licking member of staff as being 'groomed' for management, for example. I like this image because it stresses how they're being used as well as getting promotion, but this idea of grooming is definitely applicable to other circumstances than child sexual abuse.

The best example is churches, who groom and manipulate their congregants and ministers to comply and keep schtum. This is how the entire hierarchy of the RC church covered up abuse: you have to be groomed to get to covering up crime.

This may sound extreme but look at this example:

Recently, JD Great decided to fuss at people who come late, listen online, and leave early, saying they treated the worship service like an entertainment venue. However, the guy on the camera pulled back, and observers could look at JD’s big stage, which looked a lot like an entertainment venue to me!

Watch it yourself, and then I will offer additional thoughts on what he said. It appears that all the clips of the statement keep getting removed from Twitter, so I had to do a workaround. Here I present the entire service. To hear his relatively short rant, go to mark 42:20-43.09. If you want to listen to him telling about all those wonderful churches that he has planted to reach the disenfranchised, listen for about 10 minutes before his rant. Source

You get told off at school or work for being late, not at something you are attending voluntarily, particularly if you are giving them money. This actually seems to me quite high level in terms of grooming, because there's something so wrong with telling a congregation off. There must therefore have been lots of steps before this. 

I would suggest some of the ways churches groom people by getting their trust, obtaining power over them and manipulating and trapping them so they can't leave include: providing the lonely with a conditional social network they would lose if they stopped going; getting people to give 10% of their income; telling them they're sinners and they should blame themselves; setting very high standards of spiritual perfection; expecting frequent attendance; claiming to be the one true church, etc.

The effect of all these things (and others) is exactly the same as that of grooming and can only have the effect of isolating people, make them doubt and blame themselves, and make them dependent by a progressive series of expectations leading from just visiting to being completely enmeshed.

I have a theory that the reason churches often turn out to be hotbeds of abuse is that they are hotbeds of grooming and grooming is their business. Of course this happens elsewhere, but I honestly think churches are the best example of this.

Because there must be some reason, mustn't there, why whole denominations get riddled with abuse, and I think it's the grooming. You would think that people would just leave after this comes out but they don't. They act all surprised and just carry on. They even go to the church after their own child has been abused. They're acting like abuse has become normal, exactly as if they've been groomed.

Could it be happening to you?

Russia is Collapsing

I've been saving this video for the end of the invasion of Ukraine but with #russiaiscollapsing trending (fingers crossed) this is just to get the thought out into the world.

Here Ukrainian film maker Oleg Sentsov and activist Alexander Kolchenko are singing the National Anthem of Ukraine in a Russian court in 2014 after being sentenced to 10 and 20 years respectively on trumped up charges of planning terrorist attacks in Crimea. They had also been beaten for 24 hours to try to get confessions out of them.

The moral? You have to be a real fuckwit to take on a Ukrainian. You will lose.

The Youngsters Have It

Delighted that the results of the by election this week were predicted by NOBODY, but if the trend persists to the next election we'd get a government of who-knows-what-fuckers but they won't be Cuntservative.

Particularly delighted at Keir Mather MP winning the one seat I would have expected to remain Tory and overturning the Tories' massive majority of 20,000!

Predictably the right wing rags have started on him, calling him the baby of the Commons because he's the youngest MP, saying you can't trust him and he's only in it for himself. Do they seriously think we can't see projection in front of us? I'm a witch so I know a thing or two about persecution so let's look at some facts.

Mather is 25 and is therefore a grown man and eligible to vote, get married, sign contracts, be a company director, drive, and get ordained in the Church of England. Furthermore he is a British citizen and not a bankrupt or prisoner so has been eligible to stand for parliament for the last SEVEN YEARS. I swear these people are so stupid.

Of course what they're really frightened of is that he, and other youngish adults like him, are the future and they're pissed off with older people's messing up the country and the world. They're also the generation that can't afford to buy houses, have debt up to their ears and they've had enough. The youngsters are the people who will sort this shit out.

The right are frightened of the comeback from the generation they've screwed over and I'm so here for it. And in case they're thinking that this generation will change their minds once they get commitments like houses, they've ensured that that can't happen and they're doomed to bringing up families in rented flats on inadequate wages.

Apart from anything else I think we'll all agree that Keir is a dish. 🥰

The second picture is there purely as a reminder to any foreigners reading of what the candidates for election in the world's oldest flawed democracy *should* look like. From left to right: Count Binface (Independent), some Tory, Howling Laud Hope (Monster Raving Loony) and Lozzer Fox, who's a cunt.

Life Lesson from Donald Trump 2

Last year I posted a life lesson from Donald Trump (here) , which is that if a war crimes prosecutor is assigned to your case you should reconsider your life choices, and said that I would be leaving his 'taste' in interiors to another day.

This is another life lesson but not really about interiors. It is that if you are a billionaire your interior designer should have the flooring in one of your ballrooms specially made so the pattern curves with the line of the stage. If, instead, they install off the shelf flooring so the pattern is straight while the stage is curved, you're a cheapskate and an idiot.

That's if you are a billionaire.

I appreciate that this isn't the intended take home from that picture but it really bugs me. 

I Love It When a Curse Works

In January 2022 I placed a curse (here) on Boris Johnson. It's been a hell of a ride since then, and I think we can truthfully say he's cursed.

But then in October (here) I predicted that if he lasted as an MP to the next election he wouldn't stand again. The utter coward has kinda pre-empted me by throwing a hissy fit and resigning, which is a great pity because national treasure Count Binface had committed to personally taking Johnson down, and I would have been right behind that. 

In the absence of that historical battle, the candidates for Uxbridge and South Ruislip are many of them completely barmy so I will return to my default position of advocating for tactical voting. This is a way of voting to overcome our poisonous FPTP system which keeps resulting in government elected by a minority because the opposition is divided, by uniting the opposition to prioritize getting the Tories out. In two of the three constituencies with by-elections on the 20th the tactical vote to do this is Labour. The exception is Somerton and Frome, where the tactical vote is Lib Dem. The pundits are predicting Uxbridge will turn Labour, which would be a worthy legacy for that cunt Johnson.

Do I even need to mention that there's a song for this occasion?

I Haven't Lost my Touch

The council have had a run in with me (I phrase it like that to stress that it was of course entirely their fault and problem, and in case anyone might make out that I could start a fight in a phone box).

To cut a very long story short they sent me a letter telling me to pay them money that they actually owed me because I'd overpaid on my council tax. They seem to think that this shambolic correspondence is acceptable. I have had a protracted battle with them at the end of which they'd refused to sort out their correspondence, but it strangely felt like the matter had left me.

Magically this is very significant and I was happy to leave it because I knew something was going to happen. Of course I can't take the whole credit for what comes next LOL, but was involved because obviously the universe wanted me to tell them they were twats because I'm the neighbourhood witch.

The big thing that was coming dropped yesterday:

This is all the worse because their unequal pay has been going on for years and has actually been extensively litigated. There was a time you couldn't get on a bus or train without seeing ads for solicitors saying if you were a woman and employed by the council you would be owed money. It's the fact they've been extensively sued and still carried on.

Their hasn't been that much outcry yet but their certainly will when further cuts hit the poorest of the poor. Set of cunts.

The council think they are going to carry on with this and not make the legal submission to the government where the council is essentially dissolved and the government takes it over.

WANNA BET?

How to Recognize a Gift

This blog post was inspired by the illustration, which I found somewhere on Tumblr and immediately thought all of those sound just like me.

However I'm not confident of the high and low vibration idea. I find it a bit new agey, particularly as high vibration people are supposed to be successful people. Per-lease.

So if I recognize myself but not the high vibration thing, obviously I'm going to have to recast the meme thingy into a witchy mould. I haven't phrased it as being how to recognize a witch, although witches will routinely experience thoss things.

I'm also not happy with using the word gift although I don't have a better one. In fact gift could probably be exchanged with curse for a lot of people so I'm going to have to explain this.

There are some people who you recognize as witches definitely walking a path which is a very important part of their progress through their lives, correcting a lot of things from previous incarnations and being continually faced with ridiculous shit as a side effect of correcting karma. They will definitely attract toxic people's attention, will definitely attract animals, etc. Another very common characteristic of these witches is that they have chronic illness which really screws them over and they are completely incapable of healing. They will have a pattern in their relationships where they attract the work that they can do, and will keep being presented with their special task.

It may sound as if I'm describing what is elsewhere described as an old soul, endowed with maturity and wisdom, but that's not what I'm getting at. I've used the word gift because what I mean is what is called in Christianity a charism. For the Christians this is an ability given by God. In witch fashion I suppose we would have to call it an ability or abilities possibly divinely given, but the nature of the gift will be mediated by our life experiences.

If you want to take divinity out of it completely this isn't that different to saying, 'Hes a really gifted mechanic', for example.

The point of this, of course, is what you do with your gift. Some people fight their gift tooth and nail, especially as its bound to be something we don't enjoy in the main. Not always, though, one of mine is that trophy dogs held on leads by hot rough trade tend to roll over to have their tummy tickled when they see me. I can't help this: I'm just naturally gifted.

Urban Grimoire: A Spell to Break Capitalism

This one is inspired by a comment I saw that capitalism does, indeed, function like a game of Monopoly. The end is that one person is as rich as Croesus and the other people are broke and starve to death in a gutter. At this time in history we are part way through the game so nobody starts off the same and gross inequalities are built in.

But what if people don't play the game? Monopoly depends on people moving around the board and paying rent, buying streets, etc. What if they stop - at least as much as they can? 

The game can't come to its end if you don't buy anything.

That's it, that's the spell.

We don't all have the dedication to become the Moneyless Man, but we can sabotage capitalism by spending less and directing our money where we want it to go rather than one of the half dozen richest gazillionaires on the planet.

Alternatives are things like Freecycle, repair co-operatives.... The list is actually endless and they're definitely going on near you, it's just social media tends to loud pedal commerce.

Pictured below: a working class Tory Voter.

Agony Hound: 'My sisters bullied the beautiful woman I fancy, and say I should steer clear of her'

I'm slightly disappointed by Colleen's answer to this problem and naturally think I can do better.

Dear Coleen

I really like a new girl who’s joined the company where I work, but I don’t know how to talk to her. She’s my dream woman – tall, beautiful and clean living.

I’ve noticed she smiles at me, but I feel too shy to speak to someone as gorgeous as she is.

My sisters and their friends don’t like her at all because she reported them when they were at school together, which led to all kinds of drama.

They’d been calling her names, including making abusive and degrading remarks about her lack of personal hygiene, for example.

I remember her being very hurt at the time by what went on.

My sisters do not feel bad about it even now, and say she’s self-centred, ­egotistical and snobby, and she wouldn’t be interested in me because I’m not rich and successful enough.

I like her so much and would love to get to know her better and ask her out, but don’t want to embarrass myself or rake all this stuff up from school, as it might upset her.

I’d love your opinion.

Coleen says

Well, it sounds like your sisters and their mates deserved to be reported at school and suffer the consequences.

Look, who do you want to please, your sisters or yourself? I think they need to grow up and move on. How do you think they’d take it if you didn’t like their boyfriends or tried to interfere in their lives?

I think they were probably jealous of this girl at school, hence the mean girl hate-filled bullying. Source

The Hound says:

You are being given a choice here, but it's not the way your sisters are presenting it - as if it's a choice between the sisters you love and trust and some skank.

Actually the choice is between the past and a wonderful love, which I just know will transform your life.

I think you should trust your gut instinct that she's interested so the next problem is that you feel too shy to talk to her. I think if you look back in your life you'll be able to identify things which have contributed to that shyness, and I'll bet one of them was being tormented by your sisters as a child.

Look, nobody said solving your problems the witch way would be easy.

The problem with your sisters is that the support and help you can get from them is, shall we say, limited. So we now have the shyness and your sisters to deal with. Your sisters are perfectly capable of moving on from the relationship you've had up till now on their own, so I'm going to be bold and say that the way to deal with both is to tackle the woman.

Have you reflected that she could be thinking that you're hot and that's a pity because she's thinking she can't talk to you because of the row with your sisters? I think she would love it if you took the first step and broke the ice.

I'm a great one for having a script, so personally I would just think of the sort of things you would say to anyone else and say them to her. If you want to do it Hound style with no subtlety whatsoever, you could just say, 'I am so sorry my bitch sisters did that to you, would you like to go for dinner?' You could even say that you've been nervous to talk to her because of what happened and it's so embarrassing. Then if she says it's ok, tell her it isn't and your sisters deserved to be reported. You'll have her eating out of your hand.

Otherwise there are loads of ideas online to help with shyness, but trust me, the conflict with your sisters must be brought up to clear it out of the way.

Personally I would be even more brassy with your sisters and just tell them to butt out. Probably all the books would say to open up communication with them. I'm just plain irritated by them, frankly. You might find some assertiveness training helpful. If they try to engineer a fight or split the family refuse to fight them and keep pointing out that it's them doing this, not you.

Good luck!

Oh, and since this is a witch blog, get some new underwear, if it comes to it you'll only be taking them off but you don't want her to see those do you?

It's masturbation, sorry, coronation month!

Which means you can definitely do it for England this year.

To celebrate have this list of euphemisms for masturbation, purely because it appeals to my puerile sense of humour! Source

A date with Palmela Handerson

Acting out the grapes of wrath

Backing your fist

Bang yourself

Beat the beaver

Beating my meat

Beating the bishop

Bop the bolony

Choking the chicken

Clap your clit

Clean the bean

Clicking the mouse

Dating Hannie Palmer

Diddle my skittle#

Diddling

Donald trump firing his apprentice

Double clicking the mouse

Fiction friction

Fire off some knuckle-children

Five finger shuffle

Flickin’ the kitten

Flicking the bean

Flog the dolphin

Fucking yourself

Getting trigger happy

Going fishing with the man in the boat

Going to the palm prom

Greasin’ the gash

Hand to gland combat

Having a knee trembler

Hit the slit

Hitchhike To The Sky

Holding your sausage hostage

Indiana Jones finding a sweet dig

Jacking off

Jerkin the gerkin

Jerking off

Jibber jab

Jilling off

Let the beaver swim

Lubing the tube

Making it snow

Making my girl happy

Making stomach pancakes

Milking the cow

One handed baseball

Painting the ceiling

Pet the poodle

Petting the kitty

Playing air guitar naked

Playing pocket pool

Playing tug of war with the cyclops

Pole dancing

Polishing the pearl

Pumping the keg

Revving the engine

Roughing up the suspect

Rub the nub

Rubbing one out

Rubbing Rob Reiner

Ruin your eyesight

Scrach and sniff

Scraping off the scabs

Scratch n’ sniff

Shake and steak

Shuffle your Ipod

Slam the clam

Slapping the salami

Slicking Willie

Spanking the monkey

Spinnin’ a record

Squishing the squidgie

Stroking it

Stroking the one-eyed snake

Taking care of my business

Tapping the wookie on the head

Thinking of your mom

Tick the taco

Tickle your pickle

Turning Japanese

Two-finger tango

Visit from the five-fingered aunty

Visiting Rosy Palms and her five sisters

Walking the dog

Wax on, whack off

Whippin off a batch

Wrestling the one eyed monster

Abusing the wicked stick

Adjusting the antenna

Aiding and abetting a known felon

Applying the hand brake

Arguing with Henry Longfellow

Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel

Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior

Audition your hand puppet

Backstroke roulette

Badgering the witness

Barking up the wrong tree

Bash the candle

Basting the ham

Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger

Being rough with the sex stick

Be your own best friend

Beat the bishop

Beat the bologna

Beat the dummy

Beat the meat

Beat the pud

Beat the stick

Beat up your date

Beef tips stroking off

Bleed the weed

Blow your own horn

Bludgeon the beefsteak

Bop the bologna

Bop the bonzo

Box the Jesuit

Box with Richard

Brushing up on your typing skills

Buff the banana

Bugger your hand

Building upper-body strength

Burp the baby

Burp the worm

Butter the corn

Calling down for more mayo

Calling in the secret service

Caning the vandal

Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile

Charm the snake

Check for testicular cancer

Cheese off

Choke Kojak

Choke the chicken

Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come

Clamp the pipe

Clean your rifle

Cleaning out your account

Clear the snorkel

Climb the tree

Closet Frisbee

Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally

Combing your hair

Communing with nature

Consulting with your silent partner

Corral your tadpole

Couch hockey for one

Crank the love pump

Crank the shank

Crimp the wire

Crown the king

Crushing pop cans in the dark

Cuddle the kielbasa

Cuff the carrot

Daisy-chaining

Dancing in the dragon’s fiery breath

Dancing with the one-eyed sailor

Date Miss Michigan

Date Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters

Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters

Debugging the hard drive

Defrosting the fridge

Digital penile oscillation

Discovering your own potential

Distributing free literature

Do handiwork

Do it your way

Do the janitor thing

Do the white knuckler

Doing your homework

Drain the monster

Dry humping the ottoman

Eating grapes with the one-armed man

Electing the President

Engage in safe sex

Exercise one’s right

Exercising your right to privacy

Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love

Feed the ducks

Feeding bologna to the Smurfs

Feeling your way around

Fiddle the flesh flute

Firing the pound gun

Fishing with dynamite

Fist your mister

Five knuckle shuffle

Flick your Bic

Fling your phallus

Flip the bishop

Flipping your omelet

Flog the bishop

Flog the dolphin

Flog the dong

Flog the log

Flog the mule

Flogging the egg man

Fly fishing

Fondle your flagpole

Free Willy

Frost the pastries

Frosting your maple bar

Frying up the corndog

Gallop the old lizard

Gardening with the golden trowel

Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion

Get a date with Slick Mittens

Get the German soldier marching

Get to know yourself

Get your pole varnished

Give it a tug

Give your low five

Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money

Go a couple of rounds with ol’ Josh

Go blind

Go on a date with Fisty Palmer

Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela

Go the blow

Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader’s head

Submitted by Jake W.

Goose the gherkin

Grease the pipe

Greasing the three-legged cow

Hand job

Hard labor

Have one off the wrist

Helping put Mr. Kleenex’s kids through college

Hitchhike to heaven

Hitchhike underneath the big top

Hitting too close to home

Hoisting your own petard

Hold the bishop

Hold the sausage hostage

Holding your own

Hone the cone

Honk your horn

Hosing down the driveway

Hotfooting it to the nearest exit

Hug the hog

Hump your hose

Investing in pork bellies

Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell

Jack hammer

Jazz yourself

Jerk Jamby

Jerk the gherkin

Left to your own devices

Letting the cat out of the bag

Liquidating the inventory

Locking the bathroom door

Look for ticks

Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne

Lope the mule

Love the Muppet

Love’s labors lost

Lubricating the love monkey

Make a foreskin cone

Make instant pudding

Make the bald man puke

Making a cash withdrawal

Making chowder with sailor Ned

Making it up as you go along

Making magic with leftovers

Making soup

Making the bald man cry

Making the bread rise

Making the world safe for democracy

Mangle the midget

Manipulate the mango

Manual labor

Manual override

Master Bacon, meet Rosie Hancock

Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters

Milk the lizard

Milk the moose

Milk the self

Mount a corporal and four

Much goo about nothing

Nerk your throbber

Null the void

Oil the glove

Onan’s olympics

One gun salute

One man band

One-night-stand with yourself

Opening the flood gates

Pack your palm

Paddle the pickle

Paint the ceiling

Paint the pickle

Painting the flag pole

Painting the picket fence

Palm the calm

Paying at the turnpike

Peel the banana

Perform diagnostics on your man tool

Pet the lizard

Pip the pumpkin

Play a little five-on-one

Play a one-stringed guitar

Play five against one

Play in a one-man show

Play peek-a-boo

Play pocket pinball

Play pocket pool

Play tag with the pink torpedo

Play the skin flute

Play tug-o-war with Cyclops

Play Uno

Playing it safe

Playing the one-stringed melody

Playing the single-string air guitar

Plugging in the toaster

Plunk your twanger

Polish Percy in your palm

Polish the family jewels

Polish the helmet

Polish the rocket

Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter

Polish the sword

Pound off

Pound the bald-headed moose

Pound the pud

Pound your flounder

Pounding the fence post

Prepare the carrot

Prime the pump

Pull rank

Pull the bologna pony

Pull the carrot

Pull the goalie

Pull the pole

Pull the Pope

Pull the pud

Pull your own leg

Pull your taffy

Pulling your own weight

Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap

Pump the python

Pump the stump

Punch the clown

Punch the munchkin

Punish Percy in your palm

Putting your best foot forward

Putting your foot down

Putting your thumb in the porridge

Raining on your parade

Ram the ham

Relishing your hot dog

Riding the five-legged pony

Roll your own

Rolling it off the lot

Romeo and himself

Rope the pony

Rope the Pope

Rub one out

Rub the pink eraser

Rubbing Buddha’s tummy

Run off a batch by hand

Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights

Safest sex

Sailing the mayonnaise seas

Saluting the general

Sampling the secret sauce

Sand wood

Scour the tower of power

Scraping the bottom of the barrel

Scratch the itch

Screwing your courage to the sticking place

Secret handshake

Self abuse

Self-induced penile regurgitation

Sex with someone you really love

Shake hands with Abe Lincoln

Shake hands with the midget

Shake hands with the unemployed

Shake hands with your John Thomas

Shake hands with your wife’s best friend

Shake hands with Yul Brynner

Shake the sauce

Shake the sausage

Shake the snake

Shaking hands with Dr. Winky

Shellac the shillelagh

Shemp the hog

Shift gears

Shine the helmet

Shine your pole

Shoot for the moon

Shoot putty at the moon

Shoot the airplane

Shooting yourself in the foot

Shuck your corn

Sizing things up

Slam the ham

Slam the salami

Slam the salmon

Slam the Spam

Slap high fives with Yul Brynner

Slap it

Slap pappy

Slap the carrot

Slap the clown

Slap the donkey

Slap the purple-headed yogurt pistol

Slap the salami

Slapping Johnny on the back

Sling the jelly

Smack the salami

Smiting the pink knight

Snap the monkey

Snap the rubber

Snap the whip

Solo flight

Solo marathon

Solo sex

Spank Elvis

Spank the bishop

Spank the frank

Spank the monkey

Spank the salami

Spank the wank

Spanking the rooster

Spending your Christmas bonus

Squeeze the cheese

Squeeze the juice

Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube

Squeeze your cheese-dog

Squeezing the happy lumberjack

Stewing in your own juices

Stinky pinky

Stir the batter

Stir the yogurt

Strain the main vein

Straining your cabbage

Stretching the truth

Strip-mining with the spaghetti man

Stroke the carrot

Stroke the mole

Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko

Stroke the satin-headed serpent

Stroke your poker

Stroke your Twinkie

Strumming the one-string harp

Take matters into your own hands

Take part in population control

Take the fifth

Take the monster for a one-armed ride

Taking a few practice shots

Taking a load off

Talk quietly to yourself

Tame the shrew

Taunt the one-eyed weasel

Teaching the Cyclops the lambada

Tease the weenie

Tenderize the tube steak

Tending to your own affairs

Test your batteries

That crazy hand jive

Thrash your thing

Thump the pump

Thump your thong

Tickle the ivory

Tickle the pickle

Tickle the taco

Ticklewigglejigglepickle

Tipping off the inspector

Toss the snag

Toss the turkey

Toss yogurt

Tug the slug

Twang the wire

Tweak your Twinkie

Twist your crank

Unleashing the alabaster yak

Unloading the gun

Unpacking the moving van

Varnish the flagpole

Varnishing the banister

Visiting with Papa Smurf

Wake the dead

Walk the dog

Walk the plank

Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly’s shoes

Wallowing in self pity

Wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel

Wash the meat

Wax the Buick

Wax the carrot

Wax the dolphin

Waxin’ n’ Milkin’

Whack it

Whack the weasel

Whack Willy

Whip the dummy

Whip the one-eyed trouser snake

Whip the one-eyed worm

Whip the rat

Whip the stiff

Whip the wire

Whip up some sour cream

Whip your dripper

Whitewashing with Huck and Tom

Whittle the stick

Wiggling your walrus

Windsurf on Mount Baldy

Wonk your conker

Work things out

Working at your own speed

Working late at the office

Working up a foamy lather

Working without Annette

Wrestle the dragon

Wrestle the eel

Wrestling with the bald champ

Wring out your rope

Wrist aerobics

Yank the crank

Yank the yo-yo

Yank your plank

Evicting the testicular squatters