Agony Hound: AITA for Faking a Haunted House To Get My Boyfriend to Move Out Because He Refused To Leave After We Broke Up?

High time I intruded and ruined someone else's life again in my role of agony aunt, and this one's a beauty.

(My source for this was somewhere on Tumblr).

The Hound says:

Hon, this isn't ethically questionable. The default position, unless you're exceptionally good friends and have agreed this in advance, is that the one who doesn't own the place moves out when you break up. If someone is clingy/inadequate enough not to do this, they're breaking a major rule of social engagement and all bets are off.

Also, your method of getting rid of him is worthy of a witch, never mind an Oscar. Well done, I couldn't have done it myself. In chaos magic an essential banishing ritual is to laugh at things and this definitely works with taking the piss as well.

Another interesting aspect is the ferret. Perhaps it's a good idea to ask a prospective partner about their ferret, see what they say and demand to see it if they claim to possess one.

What *is* being an asshole is to fake a haunting for years simply to frighten someone, as Noel Gallagher famously did for years to his brother Liam:

The Mirror​ has reported this morning that Noel Gallagher has tormented his brother for years over his fear of ghosts, essentially… by moving furniture about in his bedroom to shit him up.

In Noel’s words, “If we were ever anywhere remotely spooky, we’d tell Liam that the house was haunted, particularly his bedroom.”

“When he’d get up in the morning and go and have his breakfast, someone would go in and turn the pictures back to front, or fucking move a lamp beside his bed across the other side of the room. He’d arrive pale: ‘Have you been in my fucking room?’ ‘No, why?’ ‘You’ve been in my room, because now the fucking lamp is in the toilet.’ ‘No way, fucking hell. Wow.’”

The report also notes that the brothers, in their rock’n’roll heyday (or, “When they were constantly off their tits”), suspected bizarre conspiracies were surrounding them during the 1996 sessions for Oasis’ third album ​Be Here Now​​, which took place at The Farm in Surrey. Noel explained: “Because it’s on a farm, there’s lots of farm people knocking around, we’d always be suspiciously looking out their window, admittedly high as a fucking kite thinking, ‘Sheep’s got a camera. Don’t like the look of that pig.’” Source

Agony Hound: Am I the Asshole for "Hiding" my Savings from my Fiancée?

This one has me honestly stumped and it's wild. The source was obviously Reddit although I found it on Instagram. As always click on the pictures to engorge them if you can't read them.

I'm not going to put any of the initial reactions to this, although the consensus was that he wasn't an asshole, because the opinions of the internet were literally all over the place.

For me personally it raises so many more questions than it answers. The first being the obvious one that he's been able to suddenly come up with the funds for his other half's bills with no explanation of where he got the money and she's not asking. Even though you would obviously exercise some caution about telling people about your finances, my impression is that he's being at least secretive about it. And why isn't his good fortune showing in his life style? How is it even possible that he's been extremely fortunate in life and she isn't able to see that in any way? I don't think he answered the question but I wonder what culture he comes from because literally telling your fiancée nothing about your finances until after you're married is utterly bizarre. It's also looking for trouble, because you would want to know about that before getting married, surely.

It's also apparent that they are not made for each other in other ways because he saw her reaction to this as giving him the 'silent treatment'. She also didn't like that he posted this on Reddit.

Although these people provide the material for me to opine about their lives, as a general rule I think someone who has to ask advice on Reddit when he has upset you by being basically secretive about where the money comes from, may not have the emotional literacy at that point to undertake marriage. And then to kick off the conversation by showing her the Reddit comments is just WTF.

However I find her as peculiar as I do him.

Yes it's unusual to manage to save up $160,000 and I'd be asking where it came from, it also isn't actually a huge sum of money. I have no idea whether it would even buy a decent house in the US but suspect it wouldn't. He's talking about this sum as if it's untold riches, but so is she which makes me wonder how naive she is.

I'm very wary of her reaction to this, that it made her feel inadequate. WTF is going on in this relationship? It's exhausting just reading about it.

My conclusion would be that obviously if they still see something each other (and strangely what they see doesn't come across in this post) they should start with some kind of counselling to make sure they're both on the same page and stop the relationship being this dramatic.

However my personal opinion is that they're not made for each other: the way of communicating drives her up the wall, he has to ask outside their partnership for help, her reaction to this annoys him, she (IMO) over-reacts by feeling inadequate at this. Phew, it's exhausting.

Agony Hound: My Boyfriend has Disappeared Every Weekend for the Past Three Years and I've Just Found Out He's Been Lying About Where he Goes

Tricky one this one, and gets more complicated down the page. It started off on Reddit but my source for it is on Instagram, here. If you have difficulty reading the pictures, clicking on them will open them tumescent.

Suffice to say that the advice given on both Reddit and Instagram was either that he was cheating on her with someone else or she was the side trick and he was spending the weekends with his wife. And that would seem to be the obvious explanation for the boyfriend vanishing every weekend and fibbing. But there's a plot twist...

Which is that she had it out with him and demanded to know what he was actually doing every weekend. When she did this he told her that what he was doing was volunteering in an animal rescue centre. The reason he hadn't told her was that he likes doing things to be helpful for other people and animals but had got bullied about it as an undergraduate. The experience had been so bad that he'd changed over to only doing things in a secret way and not talking about it.

I have a particular reaction to this that I think may not be shared by everyone: certainly the girlfriend found this very sweet and will decide what she wants to do. Although frankly if you're the sort of person who asks advice about your personal life on an internet forum you may not make your own mind up.

My instant reaction is that I'm not sure how this reflects on him or the relationship. While I totally appreciate how being bullied twists your life and motivates you to do strange things, I hope that he can move on from thinking that he would have to hide anything from his girlfriend. Frankly he's not putting the relationship first, this could still be seen as deceptive and she would be quite reasonable to feel very hurt that he didn't trust her enough to tell her what he was doing.

My concern would be that this might suggest a pattern of him thinking about his own needs and not hers: basically he's not thinking of them as a couple. I would still look on this as a red flag for her depending on how things progress after him coming clean. I hope she can communicate the effect this had on her and he can start trusting her.

Because with a 🍆 like that it would be so great if he was emotionally literate as well!

Agony Hound: 'My sisters bullied the beautiful woman I fancy, and say I should steer clear of her'

I'm slightly disappointed by Colleen's answer to this problem and naturally think I can do better.

Dear Coleen

I really like a new girl who’s joined the company where I work, but I don’t know how to talk to her. She’s my dream woman – tall, beautiful and clean living.

I’ve noticed she smiles at me, but I feel too shy to speak to someone as gorgeous as she is.

My sisters and their friends don’t like her at all because she reported them when they were at school together, which led to all kinds of drama.

They’d been calling her names, including making abusive and degrading remarks about her lack of personal hygiene, for example.

I remember her being very hurt at the time by what went on.

My sisters do not feel bad about it even now, and say she’s self-centred, ­egotistical and snobby, and she wouldn’t be interested in me because I’m not rich and successful enough.

I like her so much and would love to get to know her better and ask her out, but don’t want to embarrass myself or rake all this stuff up from school, as it might upset her.

I’d love your opinion.

Coleen says

Well, it sounds like your sisters and their mates deserved to be reported at school and suffer the consequences.

Look, who do you want to please, your sisters or yourself? I think they need to grow up and move on. How do you think they’d take it if you didn’t like their boyfriends or tried to interfere in their lives?

I think they were probably jealous of this girl at school, hence the mean girl hate-filled bullying. Source

The Hound says:

You are being given a choice here, but it's not the way your sisters are presenting it - as if it's a choice between the sisters you love and trust and some skank.

Actually the choice is between the past and a wonderful love, which I just know will transform your life.

I think you should trust your gut instinct that she's interested so the next problem is that you feel too shy to talk to her. I think if you look back in your life you'll be able to identify things which have contributed to that shyness, and I'll bet one of them was being tormented by your sisters as a child.

Look, nobody said solving your problems the witch way would be easy.

The problem with your sisters is that the support and help you can get from them is, shall we say, limited. So we now have the shyness and your sisters to deal with. Your sisters are perfectly capable of moving on from the relationship you've had up till now on their own, so I'm going to be bold and say that the way to deal with both is to tackle the woman.

Have you reflected that she could be thinking that you're hot and that's a pity because she's thinking she can't talk to you because of the row with your sisters? I think she would love it if you took the first step and broke the ice.

I'm a great one for having a script, so personally I would just think of the sort of things you would say to anyone else and say them to her. If you want to do it Hound style with no subtlety whatsoever, you could just say, 'I am so sorry my bitch sisters did that to you, would you like to go for dinner?' You could even say that you've been nervous to talk to her because of what happened and it's so embarrassing. Then if she says it's ok, tell her it isn't and your sisters deserved to be reported. You'll have her eating out of your hand.

Otherwise there are loads of ideas online to help with shyness, but trust me, the conflict with your sisters must be brought up to clear it out of the way.

Personally I would be even more brassy with your sisters and just tell them to butt out. Probably all the books would say to open up communication with them. I'm just plain irritated by them, frankly. You might find some assertiveness training helpful. If they try to engineer a fight or split the family refuse to fight them and keep pointing out that it's them doing this, not you.

Good luck!

Oh, and since this is a witch blog, get some new underwear, if it comes to it you'll only be taking them off but you don't want her to see those do you?

Agony Hound: Parents sell son's house after he uninvites them from wedding for not 'being good enough'

This is a problem which started as an Am I the Asshole question on Reddit (here) and seems to have caught the interest of the red-top press as well as me.

Two parents sold their son's house after he uninvited them from his wedding for not 'being good enough'. The groom disinvited his parents from his nuptials over fears they might 'embarrass' his partner's family, reports the Mirror.

The father of the husband-to-be took to social media to explain that he and his wife purchased a second home to be used by their son when he moved to college. He said they pay tax on the property, plus any maintenance fees, while their son, who pays no rent, sorts the utilities.

The dad continued to detail that the arrangement worked for years, even after the son's fiancee, who the family previously liked, moved into the home. However, he states that following a family BBQ, things all changed when they were informed by their son that they were no longer welcome at his wedding.

Posting on Reddit, the miffed father claims that he is going to put the son's house up for sale. He said: "Since he doesn't want us in his new life, he has to get out.

"According to what I was told 'We're not their kind of people'. I was livid, I called my son and asked him WTH this was about.

"He tells me that her family feel that we are not good enough and will embarrass them at a family wedding and that we are all uninvited from the wedding. I let a week go by to calm myself down and drive back to the house, the new future in-laws are in the house along with the fiancee.

"It appears that they all moved into the house. They ask me why I'm there, I tell them that since we aren't invited to the wedding, I was coming over to talk to my son.

"They tell me to leave their house. I lost it, and told them that they had 30 days to get out. Tell my son I'm selling the house and he could find somewhere else to live with all of you. I go to a realtor in town and list the house for sale."

The property problem sparked a lot of conversation on social media, with people keen to share their thoughts on the situation. Many people sided with the groom's parents over the matter.

One person wrote: "Rock on man. He was wrong and there is no amount of excuses or words to convince otherwise.

"It overall seems toxic and there is no reason why he should allow anyone to exclude his family. I could understand if maybe you haven't been supportive or there were issues but based off what I read it baffles me why he would even do this.

Another said the son was "experiencing the natural consequences of his actions." (Slightly adapted from here)

I have a slightly different perspective on this from most people who replied to the dad's question on Reddit, although I agree with them that he is not the asshole for kicking the son out of the house he owns for the circumstances of his wedding disinvite.

I do, however think that unfortunately the dad is still a little asshole, although he certainly doesn't mean to be, and the problem is his generosity to the son has backfired and probably screwed up their relationship.

It's especially unfortunate that the dad has given himself the short financial stick in the arrangement with his son over the house. It's in the States and I know that there tend to be massive taxes there that UK citizens don't expect but in the UK the dad would anyway be paying much more than the son with the way the bills are arranged, especially if the house is mortgaged.

This is generous of the dad isn't it? And shows how concerned he is that his son be spared the rent trap or have his quality of life reduced with a massive mortgage.

Isn't it?

No.

It's unfortunate, because by enabling his son to live rent- and mortgage-free it sounds very much like he's unwittingly attracted a gold-digger to the son. Not someone who is after the house, which after all belongs to the dad, but someone with social aspirations who is likely after the son's disposable income, which would of course be higher than it would be if he was paying a mortgage.

There is also a question of boundaries here for me, and I just think that as an adult it is never going to be ideal to live in a house which belongs to your family. I'm not even thinking of the sort of row that has happened here, which would risk making you homeless, but about the way it still makes you dependent on your parents since they are your landlord. So I'm British and share the national obsession with home ownership. Shoot me.

It's very unfortunate because the dad apparently had good intentions here. The best outcome would be if the fiancee dumps the son when he loses the house so that he can see she was after the lifestyle, not him. As it is, until the son comes round to thinking he's being unreasonable he will have a festering resentment towards his father for kicking him out of the house. 

I think it would have been better to give the son a cash gift towards a house outright, to stop the dependence on each other, proof the arrangement from family rows, and the son would have the satisfaction of owning his own home.

Do I even need to mention the various members of the royal family as another example of why individual autonomy is important?

And one last thing, you were thinking of turning up to the wedding anyway and making a scene, weren't you?

Agony Hound: My Husband of Four Years Doesn't Take our Role Play Seriously

I suspect this problem started off life on Reddit but it's such a sweet problem to have and is so hilarious it's spread round the internet and I personally found it on Tumblr.

The Hound says:

Jesus, what are you playing at? You must know that you must never speak to the cops without an attorney present! Keep your own counsel about it and insist on saying nothing without a lawyer present.

As for the spy scenario your only option, if he's going to do Clouseau, is to roleplay Cato. Otherwise he will get the impression, as I have myself, that it is you who aren't taking this seriously.

Agony Hound: AITA for kicking my mom out of my house because of how she reacted to her partner not liking my wife's chili?

Another Am I the Asshole and in fact I've had my eye on this one to do here for ages because it's a beauty and includes family conflict and food, my favourite things. Without further ado:

AITA for kicking my mom out of my house because of how she reacted to her partner not liking my wife's chili?

My mom and I have just come off of a 3 year estrangement. Her and my wife hated each other from day one, just really clashed and my mom was going through some stuff in her personal life and acting out. We mutually agreed it wasn't fixable and we should go our separate ways.

I recently reconnected with her at a party and told her that I wanted to try and fix things. My wife supported this. My mom is with someone I'll call "Rob" I'm pretty sure they are engaged but to be honest not 100% sure. We've seen my mom a couple of times since reconnecting and I can tell she is really trying. She seems extremely anxious and too nervous to talk, so we are taking it really slow, but I do believe that is her trying.

Recently we invited my mom and Rob over. My wife was making chili in the crock pot and it was done but we weren't ready to eat. She had some tortilla chips and said that she likes dipping it in the chili and invited them to have some while we waited. rob took some and gagged. I don't think he did it on purpose and he seemed embarrassed, but my wife's chili is very sweet. She uses maple syrup, chocolate powder, cinnamon, and brown sugar. My mom laughed which upset my wife because has always been smug about not thinking my wife is a good cook.

I could see my wife getting annoyed and snapped at my mom. Rob looked kind of ill and excused himself. My mom stood there for a minute in silence and then bolted after him and started banging on the bathroom door and demanding to be let in. He was ignoring her and she started freaking out and said she wanted to be hugged (she has some anxiety and PTSD related stuff and he is her comfort person) Just as I got to the door to tell her to stop banging Rob let her in and I heard their conversation. Rob was saying they had to get out of here because he can't eat that chili. My mom was kind of teasing him about aww you didn't like it and telling him she served it with rice with raisins and sugar and a chocolate sauce (a lie), and he said it tasted like dog food with sugar and he was going to have nightmares.

I saw red and my mom was laughing. It just brought me back to how smug she used to be and how she looked down on us. When they came out I told her to leave. My mom got really quiet again and said it was creepy that I was standing outside of the bathroom door. She said she's been trying and she feels I'm looking for reasons to hate her. I told her to just go because I was too emotional to talk to her. She left willingly but Rob told me I can't just nitpick and kick her out and then think she is going to want to continue to put work into this relationship. Source

The Hound says:

Unusually for me, I'm having a hard time seeing anyone as the asshole here. Not to beat about the bush, it's clear from your question that everyone involved in this is fucked in one way or another and that every relationship is also fucked. It is just as clear that you are all trying to make this work but it's all a bit too volatile.

If you and your mother mutually agreed that it wasn't fixable and then mutually agreed to try again I have to say that I feel like your relationship is better than you think it is, because you're distracted by the conflict. It's the mutual agreement here that would suggest that. If you think it would be helpful you could try emphasising the love you feel and the importance of the others to you in every conversation to make it about something other than arguing..

It seems to me the real conflict here is between the mother and the wife (that classic one). It sounds like they may be people who will just never get on.

Since I like advising people from my place surrounded by the wreckage of my family, I just have a few suggestions. Try to see your mother just you and her. Go somewhere nice with her that she likes and will be soothing. I'd keep your wife and her apart if you can until she's feeling more calm around you. If you have to have a family gathering make it in a neutral place like a restaurant.

If your significant others can't do it like this (for example if your wife feels like you don't trust her around your mother) you're going to have to start negotiation. Your situation is so complicated that I would honestly recommend a professional mediator (in the UK you can get this through Relate).

This may not seem witchy advice but working to turn a taut situation into something else is exactly the kind of transformation which is the ordinary donkey work of the witch.

Oh alright, I know you're all wondering why I didn't post any other advice before giving my own and it's because it's brilliant. Basically the whole of Reddit was agreed that the chilli was the asshole! Here are some examples:

Sorry, but your wife is a bad cook. Just accept it. It was so bad, a man who was trying to be polite couldn't help but gag. That doesn't make her an AH, but her being a jerk about it when people don't like her cooking is. (I mean, either she is a genuinely bad cook, or she intentionally sabotaged the chili just so she could act outraged when people don't like it. Take your pick.)

Right? I know that’s not what this post is about but can I say whoever invented that chili recipe is TA? Maybe when you’re trying to smooth things out with mil (who thinks your cooking sucks), it isn’t the right time to wheel out the avant-garde dessert chili.

OP, next time you reach out to Mom, do so at a restaurant where everyone can order what they want.

And who on earth invites people over to eat the most jacked up chili ever without warning them when they are invited about the ingredients? If I tasted that, I would have gagged too.

Agony Hound: Late Brother's Partner Suing Family for Money

Of course technically this ought to be Legal Beagle rather than Agony Hound but I don't want to start a whole new tag for this one, which is largely here for its entertainment value because the matter is completely clear cut. It was originally on the r/legaladvice subreddit but has been removed so I've got it from the Wayback Machine. Here's the question:

Our brother age 34M died of cancer 9 months ago. He was very successful and left behind money and assets. He also had a Will. My brother was also in a gay relationship for 8 years with a 28M partner. Our family is religious and yes we may not have approved the relationship we still loved our brother. He unfortunately died of cancer and left a will. Left most of the money to his gay partner. They weren't even married. We decided money to be kept within the family and but gave his partner some money. We also paid for brothers funeral and medical Bill's. We thought that was the end of it. But now his ex partner is suing us for the rest of the funds. I don't know how he got hold of the will. My family is still grieving and now this man wants to take us to court. Trying to see how to solve this without involving the court. Thank you for your advice

The Hound says: Fuck you and I hope the boyfriend makes you live in penury for the rest of your lives.

But let's also see the other responses to this ridiculousness.

So, things you can worry about:

• To be sued for the value of everything that was detailed to him in the will. You will almost certainly lose.

• Punitive damages. Don't be surprised if they go for triple.

• You'll be on the hook for attorney's fees.

• If the value was >$1200, then the sister could, in theory, be charged with felony theft/conversion and/or contempt of the probate court. That would also come with fees and possible jail time.

The real question is who the court will force to repay the money. The person with the most exposure is the sister, as the executor. She's looking at a complete and total wipeout, and she cannot discharge that debt in bankruptcy. She can expect wages to be garnished, tax refunds and lottery winnings to be garnished, her credit to be trashed, and if she is charged with anything, severely limited future employment prospects

Can I just say how much I love the US English idiom of garnishing wages, in this case garnished with retribution and retaliation?

My sister was in charge of the will, according to his partner he did not want to be in charge because ' he didn't want to deal with us' 'he hates us' so my sister who was best friends with my brother acted as the middle ground for us and his partner. We were shocked when we read the will. We didn't expect it to be that unfair. I am trying to make it right

level 3

clippy-

1.5k points·1 day ago

You can make it right by paying him what he is owed voluntarily. If you don't, the courts will get it from you. Either way, this ends the same for you, assuming you don't face criminal charges for, you know, stealing from him.

Have you considered that maybe this guy hates you because you're the kind of people who defraud him from his rightful property, then cry foul when he asks for it back.

Oh yeah, lawyer up. You'll need one badly.

level 3

phneri

Quality Contributor1.9k points·1 day ago

because ' he didn't want to deal with us' 'he hates us'

That's generally the response to halfwits who rob you, yes.

You make this right by giving him everything he's owed according to the will and asking him very, very nicely not to sue you or file a police report.

And this is my personal favourite answer to them:

> Our family is religious and yes we may not have approved the relationship we still loved our brother.... We decided money to be kept within the family.

You just admitted to theft on the internet. Thoughts and prayers

This makes me so happy.

Agony Hound: AITA For tossing a blanket over my BILs head when he said he didnt want to see my baby nurse?

Today another Am I the Asshole? question from Reddit  which I've picked mainly because the more women learn to recognize men being dicks the more they'll stand up for themselves. This is a major part of the Womanly Art of Witchcraft.

Sorry if the title is wordy. I have a little baby, I'm running on little sleep lol.

My wife and I had our second baby two months ago (nine weeks) and as with our first I am breastfeeding. The first time round my family were meh about me nursing. I was much more conservative and covered up, until we had a dangerous situation where my daughter overheated and breathed milk in. Very scary, she's fine now, though.

Anyway, this time around I have warded off all types of covers. I am boob free and my daughter has a much easier time nursing. My family formula feed, so this is all new for them.

My brother in law is less happy with my recent confidence. We all got invited out for my dads birthday dinner, and obviously I took my little ones with me. While there my baby got hungry and I fed her, as one does. Afterwards my BIL mentioned how "things like that" make him uncomfortable, and asked if I'd cover up if baby nursed while eating. I told him no, and we ordered.

Food got there and she got hungry again, so I popped a lady out to feed her, yknow. He made another comment about not wanting to see a boob while he was eating. I was pretty annoyed and so I apologised with a smile and said something along the lines of, "Sorry, I'll just get this covered for you," and flung the blanket I had on my lap over his head.

I'm still proud of myself for managing it tbh. Even if it was an asshole move, it was a damn good throw.

A few people outside our family started laughing, and in his flurry to get it off, dropped it into his meal and had to reorder, so we all ate while he had to wait for his food again.

I made things pretty tense, but no one mentioned it again. Afterwards my dad told me I was immature and he wouldnt be inviting me to a family meal again if that was how I was going to act.

Following that everyone is upset, some even going as far as to call me a bad mother because I was petty. I personally am not super sure I was in the wrong, as my wife nor anyone we've told thinks so, but they all tend to be quite nice to me post baby due to hormones. I also cant tell if its my hormones making me feel like a shitty person.

Obviously I feel bad about making him wait for his food, but that wasnt directly my fault? He was pretty humiliated with people laughing at him as well, but I do kind of feel it was deserved.

AITA?

Short answer, No.

Longer answer: There are a few things very suggestive of what is going on here. First we're talking about a woman feeding her baby, a normal bodily function which is all yours to regulate. You also mention recent confidence, the power dynamic here is actually to undermine your recent confidence. Like so many things, this isn't about the apparent subject, breastfeeding, when you look under the surface.

Obviously it's entirely up to you how you manage this from here on. It's also obvious that there are going to be difficulties within the family. My advice would be to tackle family members individually and try to get them on board. If it becomes apparent that they've decided to turn on you for this then I'm afraid you would have to decide where to take it. You may feel that you don't want to upset them and that's fine. 

Personally I'm afraid I've reached an age where I realize I should have used the words 'fuck off' much more frequently when I was younger, so I would be inclined to tell them that they get you with boob or not at all. 

If a number of family members take your side I would suggest that this may be an appropriate way for them to dress to smooth family relations:

... with the aim of really helping family relations along, and I do mean a Trump-family-on-trial level of tenseness.

In fact I'm so convinced that your brother in law is an asshole that I would be quite happy to come to your family gathering and helping things along by showing him my own magnificent set of boobs. I'm a man, by the way but am always up to show solidarity or awkward up any situation.

Agony Hound: 'Slept with my best mate - do we give things a go or leave it as a one-off?'

As always Coleen Nolan is a good source for problems for me to cast my witchy eye over.

Dear Coleen,

I’m a woman aged 27 and recently after a night out with my close group of friends, I slept with one of my best mates.

He’s single and so am I, but I don’t know how to play this.

I suppose if I’m honest I’ve always fancied him a bit – he’s funny and good-looking, and we just click – but being a couple has never really occurred to me because he’s either had a girlfriend or I’ve had a boyfriend.

We laughed about it the next morning, but it was a bit awkward as you would imagine. The sex was really good – the best I’ve had in a long time – so I don’t regret that.

But I’m conscious that starting some kind of romance could ruin our friendship and also make things awkward in our group if things didn’t work out.

He’s invited me out – just the two of us – but I don’t know whether it’s because he wants to give dating a go or to tell me that he thinks us sleeping together was a big mistake.

We’ve texted each other quite a bit since that night and the messages have been really nice and a little flirty.

Can romance work with a mate?

Coleen says,

Yes, I think it can. The dilemma is always can you go back to being mates if a romance doesn’t work out – that’s the risk you take.

If it turns out that one of you has stronger feelings than the other, then I think it’s hard to go back to having the same friendship as you did before.

I would just bite the bullet and say to him, “What are we going to do?” It sounds a bit like you’re waiting for him to give you a decision.

What I’d advise against is falling into a friends with benefits arrangement because I believe someone always gets hurt.

So if it was just about good sex, then look at it as a one-off – don’t do it again and just be friends.

The Hound says:

I've picked this problem because it's so sweet.

You have actually answered your own question when you say that you and your friend have always just clicked. You are clearly describing a possible relationship here.

What's confusing you is that our society has this bizarre idea that romantic or sexual relationships have to be found differently, and in a way where you go out to seek the love of your life. This is capitalism's version of dating - you put yourself on display as if for sale then have this huge wedding as if you're in a Disney film. 

There really isn't a reason why a friendship can't turn into a relationship! I think the situation you're describing is a much better approach - you've already got to know each other and the relationship has gone there on its own.

My advice would be to go out with him and see what he has to say. I disagree with Coleen's advice about friends with benefits if you think you can do it. You'll know you can't if either party starts wanting more or getting jealous, but it's possible to have sexual relationships that have a genuine intimacy without the exclusivity of a relationship. I also disagree personally with Coleen's advice about looking on the sex as a one off and carrying on being friends - some people find that very difficult to do and if you find that your one off sex ends your friendship, please don't feel you've failed or done the wrong thing.

That said my prediction is you'll be together very shortly. 😎

Agony Hound: AITA for making a joke about my brother's affair at his wedding?

Another opportunity for me to ruin other people's lives help other people with my helpful insight and wise counsel. This one is someone asking Am I The Asshole on Reddit. And sit back and enjoy it because it's a beauty.

AITA for making a joke about my brother's affair at his wedding?

When I was in elementary school, I was the type of kid who got "disrupts class often" on their report card so I never focused much on school. My district had this system where they would pair high schoolers with younger kids to help them with school etc. and my mom made me do that after I kept getting in trouble.

So my tutor was a freshman ("Abby") so she would come to our house after school to help me with my homework or something (I barely remember). My brother "John" was the same age as Abby so they would talk to each other and ended up dating. She stopped tutoring me officially after like a month but since she was at our house a lot I also talked to Abby a lot and we were close as well.

Fast forward 10 years, Abby and John got married and had a kid together. Five years later John tells me that he's getting a divorce because he's met someone new. It sucked because I liked John and Abby together a lot but whatever. Then he tells me he had an affair with his new girlfriend. Also sucks and I told him he shouldn't have hurt Abby like that but whatever. I also asked Abby how she was doing and she wasn't doing well but she told me she didn't want her to be the reason I have a bad relationship with my brother.

However, two months before the wedding, Abby calls me and tells me that my brother's girlfriend has been harassing her nonstop. She showed me the texts and his girlfriend was saying some pretty disturbing things about how she's so much better than Abby, taunting Abby for having to share custody of her kid now, etc. Just making fun of her and bullying her.

I told my brother about this and he said he would "ask his girlfriend about it". A month later I ask him if he ever brought it up and he said he did but saw "nothing wrong" with the texts which pissed me off (i confirmed that he saw the same texts i saw). Abby apologized for involving me in the whole thing in the first place and encouraged me to still go to the wedding, where my brother asked me to make a speech.

The speech went well until I made a joke. The gist of the joke was me turning to his new wife and telling her that if she's learned anything from this she should know that my brother "will never let his wife stop him from finding the love of his life".

This got my brother and his wife really mad, and they kicked me out shortly after, and my brother has been calling/texting me nonstop yelling at me.

tldr; made a joke about brothers affair

AITA?

The Hound says:

Hon, oh yes indeed you're an asshole but you're also a legend and your brother and his new wife are THE assholes and had it coming.

There's just one piece of information you didn't give which would be helpful to an answer - Did your brother often blow up frogs with a straw or otherwise be cruel to animals as a child? Actually, don't bother telling me, we all know he was.

In witchy terms what your brother has done is a thing called invoking Nemesis (not Ma'at, then it would have been balanced less dramatically). He actually had it made and screwed it up. His current wife has some feedback coming from this too.

I don't have an easy answer for why some turds get what is coming to them and some don't, but the world needs more people like you, because you are an agent for of the gods. If your ex-sister in law could be persuaded to go for full custody that would be good.

Hell, if you happen to be gay and Abby is interested, that would make your brother foam at the mouth even more.

Just one thing - once you've done this kind of thing once the universe can see you will do it so these kind of situations where you have to deal with a dickhead will keep coming your way...

Agony Hound: My teenage son won't listen to me when I try to talk to him about sex

Another glorious opportunity to sow conflict and ruin lives! Once again this one is a Coleen Nolan.

Dear Coleen

The other day I found a packet of condoms in my son’s sports bag, so I know he’s having sex.

He’s 17 and has been dating the daughter of some friends of ours, although he won’t say much about the relationship.

If I’ve ever tried to talk about sex in the past he’s literally curled up into a ball and covered his ears!

He hates me discussing anything like that and just says he’s not an idiot and knows what he’s doing.

I feel I need to talk to him, though, especially as this girl is only 16 and her parents are very protective over her.

She’s an only child and they have big plans for her.

They know our kids have been seeing each other, but maybe they assume it’s more as friends than lovers, as they’ve known each other since they were five and have grown up together.

It’s an awkward situation all round and I’d hate my son to be irresponsible or do anything to upset this girl, as we’d never hear the end of it. Am I panicking over nothing and how do I broach the subject with my son?

Coleen says:

OK, I think you are panicking a bit and also not really giving him credit for having the condoms and obviously practising safe sex with his girlfriend.

No kid likes to talk about sex with their parents, or be sat down and given a lecture about what they can do.

The way I’ve always approached it is to let my kids know that nothing is off limits when it comes to confiding in me and asking for advice.

And if I have wanted to say something important about sex, then I haven’t made it a big scary talk. I’ve dropped it into conversation during a quiet moment.

The thing is to normalise it and don’t make it a subject that’s taboo or awkward.

Maybe the way to start is to say you found the condoms when you were doing his washing and are glad he’s practising safe sex, then tell him you’re always willing to listen if he has any questions, worries or concerns when it comes to sex and relationships.

 Also, I think you need to ask yourself why you’re so worried about her parents.

Maybe this is more to do with your friendship with them and underlying tensions.

As far as I can see, your son is being responsible, and at 17, you have to expect sex to be on the agenda for many young people.

The Hound says:

I'm a bit conflicted over this one. My first instinct was to say that the reason the son won't talk to his mother about sex and relationships is because she is the sort of intrusive, nosy mother who goes through her son's bag and finds his johnnies. If it wasn't 2022 and he's got Pornhub on his phone she'd have been under his bed looking for his jazz mags.

I might be being a bit harsh, although on the other hand... The son and the girlfriend are both above the age of consent and I'm not hearing any reason this relationship should automatically be out of the question. You didn't seriously think he would talk to you when he started having sex did you? My first was a school friend and my mother thought he was a good influence on me. She was even happy to leave us alone in the house (she was a worrier) and we'd leave it ten minutes before being at it like rabbits. She had no idea this was going on and was shocked and outraged years later when I told her!

I try to give witchy answers here and I want to loud pedal autonomy here. His autonomy. I thought you were being intrusive going through his bag but you may have just never stopped doing it for years. Now is the time for him either to wash his own sports kit or put it for washing. Your eyes don't need to be in his private space because he's 17. Incidentally if all he's doing to worry you is shagging his girlfriend you haven't done a bad job.

Not gonna lie, the parents with big plans for their daughter worry me far more. The absolute worst she can get from your son (a disease, an unwanted pregnancy and life experience) can all be dealt with but controlling parents can't.

You also don't mention a dad involved here and I sense you've had a hard time parenting as a lone parent. He will thank you for both giving him some space while offering support if needed because it means you respecting what he wants and treating him as the young adult he is. Are there any family friends he has a good relationship with and would be more likely to open up to? Otherwise Coleen's advice is spot on.

Finally I'm going to let you in on a secret that men don't like telling women - a lot of men carry condoms because they give them a feeling that they could have sex. Some are even sensible and renew them when they go out of date. And even more sensible, they might practice putting them on before they have to do it in front of someone else. 

So I think the bottom line here is: mum is worried, probably influenced by lone parenting, however the son is the age where he gets to make his own decisions, so mum must step back. 

Agony Hound: Husband confessed to an affair just after we got married - I can't move on

If your husband doesn't awkward up gatherings enough you can hire me to do it

My first demolition of another person's life and happiness of the new year with bad advice and witchy solutions! Another Coleen Nolan this time, from here.

Dear Coleen,

My husband and I have been together for a few years, but only married last summer in a very small (Covid-friendly) ceremony.

I’d wanted to tie the knot for a long time, but always felt I was pushing him into it.

However, he took me by surprise with a lovely proposal and seemed keen for the opportunity to have a very low-key wedding. But he admitted to me just before Christmas that he’d been having an on/off affair for some time.

He was very upset when he told me and said he’d ended the affair, but couldn’t cope with the guilt and wants to make a fresh start with me.

I don’t know the other woman – she’s someone he’s known for a while through work friends – but I know she’s single. I’m heartbroken and it’s ruined Christmas, obviously. I ended up going to stay with my family and he stayed at our house.

I do love him, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to move on from the betrayal – I just feel so hurt and humiliated at the moment.

My parents and the rest of my family are so shocked.

They all like him and can’t believe he would do something like this.

I’d love some advice on how to move forward.

Coleen says,

If you do want to try, I don’t think you can expect things to improve quickly.

However, I do believe it’s possible to move on from it and stay together if it’s what you both want.

You’re going to feel hurt and devastated for a while, and working through it will be painful. It’s a crisis point and things could go either way, but the most important thing is that he’s honest about why he had the affair and that you can both talk openly about how you feel and whether or not you can move on from it.

The best way to do this is probably through relationship counselling (try relate.org.uk ).

Trust takes a long time to rebuild, so both of you need to be prepared for that – it’s not a question of your husband simply unburdening himself of the guilt and “making a fresh start”.

You have to pick through all of the painful stuff and, at the end of it, you might decide you can’t forgive him and remain in the relationship.

I realise how shocking and disappointing this is, especially after you married recently but, trust me, no one will be judging you.

Anyone who loves you will support you and want what’s best for you – whatever decision you come to. 

Unusually, I'm going to give a couple of the comments people have left on the page because I just love it when people are even more unsubtle than me, and I want a few different points of view because as will become apparent I wasn't sure.

Find out if it's the only affair during his time with you and if he has a past of cheating on exes, talk to the other woman independent of him and you'll have everything you need to know. Take him back now and he'll be having his cake eating it for the rest of your days.

And

I'd go for an anullment and severe all ties with her partner who by confessing has unburdened his guilt onto her.If she stays with him she will be looking over her shoulder for the rest of her life and nobody wants that.

The Hound says:

My literal first thought as I read the first paragraph was that he was a controlling bastard who at the very least could have done this before you got married. My second thought was to think that at least he has confessed to it which is better than just not telling you, and suggests that despite having bollocksed up he is making some effort to make his marriage work sensibly.

You can tell from my reaction and the comments I've copied above that this is fairly dividing so I am going to make a point of approaching this in a witchy way.

One of the classic magical acts is divination and so the first thing to do is to get an understanding of what is actually happening. For example, I leapt to the conclusion that he is one of those controlling and coercive types however don't know this, and you are not saying he is. However you would be well advised to make a point of his behaviour and how he makes you feel. Does he actually consider what you want really? Do you ever feel like he's ignoring your boundaries? I'm not suggesting a full scale inquest, just tuning more into what you are seeing and feeling, to see if any alarm bells have been ringing and you haven't been paying attention. For example you say that you have always felt like you were pushing him into marriage until he unexpectedly proposed and that is exactly the kind of alarm bell I mean, which need further exploration. As always I would suggest writing these things down or even drawing pictures to 'incarnate' them on paper, help make them real and provide a record if your thoughts become clouded.

The other thing, which is what makes advice from strangers at best irrelevant, is that only you know what you feel for your husband and what you want from a marriage. What I'm hearing you say is not that you are terminally betrayed by this - had you been you would have just walked out and not asked for help.

Making the marriage what you both want it to be is the ultimate witchy thing because it is an act of creation and self determination. Personally my own view is if he let you talk him into proposing to him while he was shagging another woman, you need your head examined if you keep him in your life, but who knows. He may be rich. It's your life and marriage and you're welcome to screw it up.

I would second Coleen's advice about relationship counselling because it will help to establish what you both want and establish your future marriage on a firm basis. I realise that I have tended to focus on you but of course you both are the unit here.

Speaking of which, you mention the reaction of other members of your family. I appreciate you needed to go somewhere but you've now made sure your family members will forever think of him as a cheat, and just to put it out there that if you're together at Christmas 2022 this fact may not help the gathering to be that comfortable.

However you don't come here for normal advice (you can get that from Coleen Nolan) so here's some magic if you decide you want to keep him faithful to you. I do not recommend doing this - not for the reasons Llewellyn publications give, that love spells like this don't allow the other person to consent - but because having your husband bound to you in this way is a thought which horrifies me.

There are two different things you can do beyond the obvious one of being so good in bed he'll never look at another woman again. Write his name and your name on two pieces of paper. Take bodily remains (hair, nail clippings, etc) and wrap them up in the respective papers. Bind the papers together (basically with whatever you fancy, although pink ribbon is good for love and red for lust) and you're good. If you want him to find it and be in awe of you as an enchantress, leave it under the bed or otherwise put it somewhere he won't find it.

The other one is genuinely ancient magic however may be seen as a little cultural misappropriation because it is from hoodoo, African American folk magic. Get your old cruddy knickers that you wear when you're on your period and cut out the crotch. Give the crotch bit a good boil in some water, throw away the knicker remains and let the water cool. Use it in cooking and in his drinks either all at once or gradually. He will be crazy for you and if you find he keeps being sorry for having cheated on the most wonderful woman in history and his repeated apologies become annoying, you'll have to find another way to occupy his lips.