By Appointment to The Hound

I don't know if other countries with constitutional monarchs do it but of course in the UK we have a system of Royal Warrants where companies are made official suppliers to members of the royal family. They get a crest above the door and get to put the prices up. Some of them are wild, like suppliers of fire extinguishers and older readers will remember how Benson and Hedges were the cigarettes by appointment. Currently I think the barmiest warrant is to Ainsworths Homeopathic Pharmacy, purely because it's the famous one that sells a 'remedy' called Berlin Wall to treat feelings of alienation.

Kings are nearly as good as witches so it's high time I issued some official Royal (or rather, Canine) Warrants of my own and here they are. These have the added advantage that in addition to being a witch so knowing these firms' inner dispositions I'm also a complete nightmare in shops so have mostly tried out these firms' resilience as well.

Apart from anything else this list should be some evidence that I'm not a complete curmudgeon and do occasionally have something good to say.

I feel slightly doomed saying this because my warrant has previously been given to firms which have gone bust (Packard Bell and Blackberry) but my current technology warrant goes to Lenovo. My current Windows laptop should be the same as any other but it's strikingly easier to use. It's also eminently reliable.

My warrant for supply of furnishings and household appliances goes to John Lewis. They naturally have a reputation for being posh but their stuff is quality and they're incredibly easy to deal with. Their own brand electricals are also reliable. This warrant does not extend to their partner firms Waitrose and Ocado because their prices are ridiculous.

Otherwise I have awarded a separate warrant for domestic appliances to Bosch. They just keep going forever and I told my mother she'd regret buying a cheap one when she was berating me for spending £400 on a fridge.

My warrant for supply of energy is awarded to Octopus Energy. They've always been perfectly simple to deal with and have never done any of the cock-ups other energy companies have. And in this case it's not just me saying it, they keep on winning awards from Which? (who are rightly difficult to please and USwitch and now even from the witch. And their electricity is green.

I have issued two warrants for banking: one to The Co-operative Bank and the other to Leeds Building Society. LBS can't quite match the Co-Op's ethical standards but it's still a mutual. They are both strikingly easy to deal with. 

This one might be a surprise because of their generally unethical reputation but I've thought carefully about this and I'm not sure you can get a supermarket with better ethics unless you can afford to shop at The Co-op. So my warrant for home delivery of groceries goes to Tesco because they deliver when they say they will, what you've ordered and with no drama. I used to have deliveries from another one which just wasn't reliable; in contrast Tesco couldn't deliver one night because someone crashed into the van. They rang me up to apologize, gave me a gift voucher and delivered the order the next evening and it was free! Suppliers in shop of groceries and household supplies by appointment to The Hound are Aldi.

If you are near Birmingham and need a gadget repaired my warrant has been awarded to Mr Gadget Xchange behind Oasis. Again I can't overstate how without drama this place is. I think they sell gadgets as well but I haven't used them for that.

I never thought I would find one I would recommend because I've dealt with a lot of solicitors over the past few years and they have mostly been a complete nightmare but I have decided to award my warrant to Mann and Co. Again they stand out for the complete absence of drama and just getting on with it professionally. They do criminal defense, property and family law, and I will leave it to your imagination which I've used them for.

So there you are, my very short list of Royal Warrants.

Oh alright, I know you want the picture of Mohammed Al Fayed burning Harrods's royal warrants.