Urban Grimoire: A Spell if Your Relatives are Wrong About Zelenskyy

Holy shit, what kind of utter cunts get upset because my hero and crush President Zelenskyy didn't wear a suit in the Capitol and don't want to give aid to Ukraine?

The country that is overrun by a dictator intent on killing his own people as well as war crimes in Ukraine.

What the actual fuck?

If you are unfortunate enough to have these people and be stuck with them over the holidays you have my complete sympathy. This is a spell to deal with them. If they don't get it you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you've made a fool of them, and if they do... well, lucky you, they'll hopefully never speak to you again.

It's very simple. Just play them this, er, 'Polish Christmas carol'. Beautiful, isn't it?

If that doesn't work, show your MAGAT relatives this picture:

If they still haven't had a stroke, show them how we do it in Britain.

Слава Україні!

Urban Grimoire: A Simple Yet Powerful Spell

I have previously blogged about the practice of creating magical entities to do things for you. It's great, you forget about the spell and the bit of yourself you've broken off gets on with it and it happens.

Today an even simpler and more powerful technique, to make a word or phrase itself into a spell so you get everyone saying or thinking it joining in the spell.*

It's very simple, using whatever techniques you use, you just see the action of using that word equating to what you want. An example that's been going round the internet is the idea of cursing your deadname if you're trans. It's brilliant because the haters screw themselves up.

Now because this blog requires participation as well as theory you have to say one word before leaving. All together now,

'Brexit.'

There. Now another lifelong Tory voter has made up their mind to vote tactically at the next election to get them out. I don't actually want a Christmas present: what I'm angling for is having these bad boys in my wallet before I die, because just paying for stuff would kill the gammons.

*Like every magical technique here you won't find this in the fluffy publications because they think it's not ethical to do this without people's consent. All I can say is they're lucky to be in a position not to have to fight and they'll be furious when they find what I've done to the word 'Llewellyn'.

Donald Trump Reading

I'm hoping that things are finally hotting up for Trump. It's been a while since I've read about him so it's high time we had another look into his deranged world.

Certainly the news has been incredible, even just over the past couple of days.

Ranging from the potentially criminal (why on earth isn't he under arrest),

plagiarism,

the odd sensible thing even for Repulsicans, and

the sad,

the deranged,

and the insane.

So let's have a look at how he's coping with this perfect hellstorm of unpopularity and Consequences.

Reading right to left (surely nobody will be surprised that I tend to read backwards unless using a spread with specific places) we have Queen of Cups, 9 of Wands and Knight of Swords. Just to put this out there, all of these cards indicate a totally barmy response to his situation.

The court cards frequently mean either people or personalities, so I would think that in this reading they would either represent people who are important or being blamed in some way. That said the Queen of Cups behaves in the way water transmits (and distorts) things, so I actually think he's feeling the pain now. Not accurately and distorted by his own bizarre world view, but the emotions are flowing now. Since the queen is also blonde there is an obvious person in his life for it to represent, his crush, sorry, daughter Ivanka. I don't think he's sufficiently concerned about anyone for him to be worrying about how his legal trouble would impact on his favourite child, so my money would be that he's worried the legal troubles will eventually get round to Ivanka. And who would be surprised?

The 9 of Wands refers to confrontation pure and simple but the most interesting to my mind is the Knight of Swords. This is a card representing energy all over the place with no real aim or purpose, 'going off on one', and essentially indicative of the way Trump behaves anyway. It must be hell working at Mar a Lago at the moment!

All three cards are looking in the same direction, the direction of reading, and I think he would dearly love to run away to a country without an extradition treaty with the USA. That would make the headlines even more juicy. Lucky he's got a secret service detail on him, isn't it.

I don't do predictive readings (why would I? I'm a witch so the whole point is changing the future) but let's just have a look at the direction this is going in for him.

Finally we have a Major Arcana but of course it has to be the Moon so all bets are off. Pretty well anything could happen at this point because there is so much hidden stuff going on. The picture on the 8 of Cups may make it look better than it is, because it tends to be a card of stagnation and things wrong. I still think the Department of Justice don't want to have to prosecute him and hope he will die before it gets to that point (because when someone has committed about 7 million crimes why would it take this long to arrest them?). Interesting that it then comes back to the Queen of Cups, so I definitely think the legal troubles will extend to other members of the Trump crime family.

Basically, this isn't nearly over and the drama can only increase.

If you're reading this in the US and think this all makes your country sound like a tinpot banana republic, spare a thought for those of us in Europe in a tinpot balkanized banana republic where the criminals in government aren't even facing criminal referrals. 

By Appointment to The Hound

I don't know if other countries with constitutional monarchs do it but of course in the UK we have a system of Royal Warrants where companies are made official suppliers to members of the royal family. They get a crest above the door and get to put the prices up. Some of them are wild, like suppliers of fire extinguishers and older readers will remember how Benson and Hedges were the cigarettes by appointment. Currently I think the barmiest warrant is to Ainsworths Homeopathic Pharmacy, purely because it's the famous one that sells a 'remedy' called Berlin Wall to treat feelings of alienation.

Kings are nearly as good as witches so it's high time I issued some official Royal (or rather, Canine) Warrants of my own and here they are. These have the added advantage that in addition to being a witch so knowing these firms' inner dispositions I'm also a complete nightmare in shops so have mostly tried out these firms' resilience as well.

Apart from anything else this list should be some evidence that I'm not a complete curmudgeon and do occasionally have something good to say.

I feel slightly doomed saying this because my warrant has previously been given to firms which have gone bust (Packard Bell and Blackberry) but my current technology warrant goes to Lenovo. My current Windows laptop should be the same as any other but it's strikingly easier to use. It's also eminently reliable.

My warrant for supply of furnishings and household appliances goes to John Lewis. They naturally have a reputation for being posh but their stuff is quality and they're incredibly easy to deal with. Their own brand electricals are also reliable. This warrant does not extend to their partner firms Waitrose and Ocado because their prices are ridiculous.

Otherwise I have awarded a separate warrant for domestic appliances to Bosch. They just keep going forever and I told my mother she'd regret buying a cheap one when she was berating me for spending £400 on a fridge.

My warrant for supply of energy is awarded to Octopus Energy. They've always been perfectly simple to deal with and have never done any of the cock-ups other energy companies have. And in this case it's not just me saying it, they keep on winning awards from Which? (who are rightly difficult to please and USwitch and now even from the witch. And their electricity is green.

I have issued two warrants for banking: one to The Co-operative Bank and the other to Leeds Building Society. LBS can't quite match the Co-Op's ethical standards but it's still a mutual. They are both strikingly easy to deal with. 

This one might be a surprise because of their generally unethical reputation but I've thought carefully about this and I'm not sure you can get a supermarket with better ethics unless you can afford to shop at The Co-op. So my warrant for home delivery of groceries goes to Tesco because they deliver when they say they will, what you've ordered and with no drama. I used to have deliveries from another one which just wasn't reliable; in contrast Tesco couldn't deliver one night because someone crashed into the van. They rang me up to apologize, gave me a gift voucher and delivered the order the next evening and it was free! Suppliers in shop of groceries and household supplies by appointment to The Hound are Aldi.

If you are near Birmingham and need a gadget repaired my warrant has been awarded to Mr Gadget Xchange behind Oasis. Again I can't overstate how without drama this place is. I think they sell gadgets as well but I haven't used them for that.

I never thought I would find one I would recommend because I've dealt with a lot of solicitors over the past few years and they have mostly been a complete nightmare but I have decided to award my warrant to Mann and Co. Again they stand out for the complete absence of drama and just getting on with it professionally. They do criminal defense, property and family law, and I will leave it to your imagination which I've used them for.

So there you are, my very short list of Royal Warrants.

Oh alright, I know you want the picture of Mohammed Al Fayed burning Harrods's royal warrants.