Agony Hound: Husband confessed to an affair just after we got married - I can't move on

If your husband doesn't awkward up gatherings enough you can hire me to do it

My first demolition of another person's life and happiness of the new year with bad advice and witchy solutions! Another Coleen Nolan this time, from here.

Dear Coleen,

My husband and I have been together for a few years, but only married last summer in a very small (Covid-friendly) ceremony.

I’d wanted to tie the knot for a long time, but always felt I was pushing him into it.

However, he took me by surprise with a lovely proposal and seemed keen for the opportunity to have a very low-key wedding. But he admitted to me just before Christmas that he’d been having an on/off affair for some time.

He was very upset when he told me and said he’d ended the affair, but couldn’t cope with the guilt and wants to make a fresh start with me.

I don’t know the other woman – she’s someone he’s known for a while through work friends – but I know she’s single. I’m heartbroken and it’s ruined Christmas, obviously. I ended up going to stay with my family and he stayed at our house.

I do love him, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to move on from the betrayal – I just feel so hurt and humiliated at the moment.

My parents and the rest of my family are so shocked.

They all like him and can’t believe he would do something like this.

I’d love some advice on how to move forward.

Coleen says,

If you do want to try, I don’t think you can expect things to improve quickly.

However, I do believe it’s possible to move on from it and stay together if it’s what you both want.

You’re going to feel hurt and devastated for a while, and working through it will be painful. It’s a crisis point and things could go either way, but the most important thing is that he’s honest about why he had the affair and that you can both talk openly about how you feel and whether or not you can move on from it.

The best way to do this is probably through relationship counselling (try relate.org.uk ).

Trust takes a long time to rebuild, so both of you need to be prepared for that – it’s not a question of your husband simply unburdening himself of the guilt and “making a fresh start”.

You have to pick through all of the painful stuff and, at the end of it, you might decide you can’t forgive him and remain in the relationship.

I realise how shocking and disappointing this is, especially after you married recently but, trust me, no one will be judging you.

Anyone who loves you will support you and want what’s best for you – whatever decision you come to. 

Unusually, I'm going to give a couple of the comments people have left on the page because I just love it when people are even more unsubtle than me, and I want a few different points of view because as will become apparent I wasn't sure.

Find out if it's the only affair during his time with you and if he has a past of cheating on exes, talk to the other woman independent of him and you'll have everything you need to know. Take him back now and he'll be having his cake eating it for the rest of your days.

And

I'd go for an anullment and severe all ties with her partner who by confessing has unburdened his guilt onto her.If she stays with him she will be looking over her shoulder for the rest of her life and nobody wants that.

The Hound says:

My literal first thought as I read the first paragraph was that he was a controlling bastard who at the very least could have done this before you got married. My second thought was to think that at least he has confessed to it which is better than just not telling you, and suggests that despite having bollocksed up he is making some effort to make his marriage work sensibly.

You can tell from my reaction and the comments I've copied above that this is fairly dividing so I am going to make a point of approaching this in a witchy way.

One of the classic magical acts is divination and so the first thing to do is to get an understanding of what is actually happening. For example, I leapt to the conclusion that he is one of those controlling and coercive types however don't know this, and you are not saying he is. However you would be well advised to make a point of his behaviour and how he makes you feel. Does he actually consider what you want really? Do you ever feel like he's ignoring your boundaries? I'm not suggesting a full scale inquest, just tuning more into what you are seeing and feeling, to see if any alarm bells have been ringing and you haven't been paying attention. For example you say that you have always felt like you were pushing him into marriage until he unexpectedly proposed and that is exactly the kind of alarm bell I mean, which need further exploration. As always I would suggest writing these things down or even drawing pictures to 'incarnate' them on paper, help make them real and provide a record if your thoughts become clouded.

The other thing, which is what makes advice from strangers at best irrelevant, is that only you know what you feel for your husband and what you want from a marriage. What I'm hearing you say is not that you are terminally betrayed by this - had you been you would have just walked out and not asked for help.

Making the marriage what you both want it to be is the ultimate witchy thing because it is an act of creation and self determination. Personally my own view is if he let you talk him into proposing to him while he was shagging another woman, you need your head examined if you keep him in your life, but who knows. He may be rich. It's your life and marriage and you're welcome to screw it up.

I would second Coleen's advice about relationship counselling because it will help to establish what you both want and establish your future marriage on a firm basis. I realise that I have tended to focus on you but of course you both are the unit here.

Speaking of which, you mention the reaction of other members of your family. I appreciate you needed to go somewhere but you've now made sure your family members will forever think of him as a cheat, and just to put it out there that if you're together at Christmas 2022 this fact may not help the gathering to be that comfortable.

However you don't come here for normal advice (you can get that from Coleen Nolan) so here's some magic if you decide you want to keep him faithful to you. I do not recommend doing this - not for the reasons Llewellyn publications give, that love spells like this don't allow the other person to consent - but because having your husband bound to you in this way is a thought which horrifies me.

There are two different things you can do beyond the obvious one of being so good in bed he'll never look at another woman again. Write his name and your name on two pieces of paper. Take bodily remains (hair, nail clippings, etc) and wrap them up in the respective papers. Bind the papers together (basically with whatever you fancy, although pink ribbon is good for love and red for lust) and you're good. If you want him to find it and be in awe of you as an enchantress, leave it under the bed or otherwise put it somewhere he won't find it.

The other one is genuinely ancient magic however may be seen as a little cultural misappropriation because it is from hoodoo, African American folk magic. Get your old cruddy knickers that you wear when you're on your period and cut out the crotch. Give the crotch bit a good boil in some water, throw away the knicker remains and let the water cool. Use it in cooking and in his drinks either all at once or gradually. He will be crazy for you and if you find he keeps being sorry for having cheated on the most wonderful woman in history and his repeated apologies become annoying, you'll have to find another way to occupy his lips.