This is one I found on Reddit (here) and is again a quandary which has made me think. I haven't copied the various answers because I'm the Agony Hound here, and like Claire Rayner, luvvie, I know best!
So I know this guy for a very long time, since the first grade, now we're both 20. We're best friends. All this time I was in the closet and I didn't plan on coming out anytime soon because I just didn't feel like doing it and also the area where I live in is not very gay friendly. My friend asked me to lend him some of my old school notebooks because he wanted to use them for his college studies and accidentally I put my journal between those notebooks. I didn't realize it until later, I was terrified and I texted him that I didn't mean to give him that one notebook, that it's very personal and asked him not to read it but I was too late. He had already read it and that's how he found out I'm gay. Most of my journal consists of my thoughts and feelings about being gay, I hold a journal because I need to let this out of me and I just didn't feel like telling anyone about it.
The next day we met and his first question was "are you gay?" I said yes, because it'd be dumb to deny it after he himself read all about it. And he went livid on me, not because I'm gay but because I didn't tell it to him. He was like "we're friends for the most of our lives and you didn't tell me such an important thing about you, does our friendship mean so little to you, etc" But I didn't want to. Even my parents don't know I'm gay, no one knows, except him. I didn't want to come out, I didn't feel comfortable coming out. Do you think he has rights to be angry with me?
I'm not going to lie, my absolutely first instinct was to say that he's being an arsehole. My reason for saying that would be that it would obviously be so difficult for you growing up gay in a conservative community and also that you had outed yourself accidentally.
In an absolutely ideal world I would have preferred that whether he had read it or not, he would have said he hadn't got to that notebook yet, and left it to you to decide when to tell him.
So basically I don't think he has rights to be angry with you.
However even I have to realize sometimes that we don't live in an ideal world and it is possible that he hasn't come across this situation before or that you are the first gay person he has knowingly met.
I suppose in these circumstances, and to keep the power in your hands where it should be, it must be up to you to decide whether this is ok and what you want to do about it. You sound like you are really good friends, and you may decide you want to stay friends. You may want to explain to him at some point just why this is so difficult. And have answers ready for when he asks you if you fancy him or he says gay sex is disgusting.
The only worry I would have is whether he will tell people before you are ready, and that that may have consequences where you live. Your response may be formed by whether he will consider your safety, because a lack of 'understanding' of that is unforgivable.
And since being gay is so difficult in Lower Snoring on the Grope you may want to move to a city ASAP.
We don't get to tell other people how to think and feel. Honestly, I would feel hurt and angry to know someone for so long and for them not to tell me such a thing because we're friends! I would wonder if our friendship didn't mean as much to them as it does to me. A person's sexuality is usually important to them, so REAL friends would want to be understanding of that aspect of your life. I have a few friends that are nonromantic asexual. Its always a deep dark secret for them because everyone else seems so preoccupied with talking about sex all the time. I respect and accept them as they are. I think I'm up to four faux husbands and one wife at this point, just so I can be their emergency contact. The one person they feel can speak for them should they not be able to speak for themselves (ie medical coma, vegetative state.) (You know because our healthcare system is really, REALLY fucked up.)
ReplyDeleteSo for some really bizarre reason Amazon suddenly thinks I need Viking Rune stones. Weird, right? I'm perplexed. There's nothing in my viewing or previous buying history that would suggest that I would be interested in such things. I try to scrub my paw prints as I traverse the digital world, so where is Amazon spying on me? Maybe through Blogger cookies test ://Mod Podge
Well it's obvious isn't it - you've got five extra spouses so Amazon assume you must be a fundament-alist Mormon and just send you weird stuff because they don't know what else to do!
DeleteThat said if the runes want to get to know you, they'll get everywhere now...
Shouldn't the runes already know I'm a sucker for pretty rocks? Not so smart are they? If it took them this long to come find me. Maybe the runes couldn't get past the family's thistles. I never been one to trust the Vikings, even if I might call a few of them friends.
ReplyDeleteLOL the ways of the universe are strange indeed (pretend deep expression).
DeleteCome to think of it, they might be Anglo-Saxon runes getting pricked by the thistles. Which would explain their hesitance.
DeleteMaybe I should find a Ouija board for consultation. That's the most Americanized form of a Spiritual Advisor I can think of. I thought my thistles were Anglo-Saxon! That's the funny thing about being a White American, at what point does our European heritage become irrelevant? Or does it? We were Anglo-Saxon once. My family lived in Ulster, the Lakes District, and most prominently in Verden, Germany. My German half was exiled for pissing off the Catholic church. Those old school Catholics were so touchy!
DeleteYeah it's about control isn't it.
DeleteWhen you referred to thistles I jumped to the conclusion that you meant Scots ancestry. In fact with that ancestry you could relate to both strands of runes quite happily.
No please do get a Ouija board and learn how to crack your toe bones like the Fox sisters did (ouch).