Agony Hound: Do my secret sex fantasies mean I should leave my wife and try something different?

Another Coleen Nolan this time, from here.

Dear Coleen, I’m a man in my late-30s, married with two young children. My problem is, I’ve been fantasising a lot about sleeping with other women.

I love my wife and find her very attractive, so I wouldn’t actually have an affair, but I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like.

I’ve been married for five years but we’ve been together for nearly 10. When we had our first child, we relocated out of the city to be nearer to her parents. I didn’t want to do it, but I did it because I love her and could see the benefits in having help from the grandparents.

Maybe I’m just craving something different – I feel life is just ticking along or maybe even passing me by.

Surely I’m too young to be feeling like this? Our sex life has always been good although, if I’m honest, we could do it more often and it could be more adventurous.

I’m not sure why I’m having these feelings about other women so much, but I’m worried it means I shouldn’t be with my wife any more. But I’d never split up my family.

I’d love your opinion on what I should do.

Coleen says

You sound bored to me and if that’s the case, do something about it – don’t just sit around moping and thinking about it.

And be more honest with your wife, too. You don’t have to tell her you’ve been fantasising about other women, but you can tell her that you feel things have become mundane and ask her if she feels the same. For all you know, she might be thinking the exact same thing.

We’re all human and it’s natural to want to feel desired and to be looked at in a different way – ie, not just as a co-parent and a father. And this is especially true if you’re in a long-term relationship.

I just think you need to start by reminding yourself why you love your wife and find her sexy, and start doing some of the things you used to do before the kids came along. 

The Hound says:

Your question really piqued my interest because of the way you talk about these fantasies. They obviously bother you and you feel as if they could be prompting you in a certain direction but aren't sure.

Let me very clear what I mean: to me what you are describing is the normal situation, to my mind. I do understand that there are some people who just don't fantasize but I think it's the norm. Day dreaming about how your life could be different or fantasising about other women seem perfectly normal to me.

Is this actually new? Can you remember a time in your life before when you fantasised like this?

To me what is the real issue here is basically what Coleen says, that you are fantasising because you feel there isn't something right in your life. You obviously don't really want a fling, or to leave your wife so as Coleen says the key would be communicating and maintaining the relationship. Date night, for example.

I also think you could cultivate your fantasy to give you ideas about how you could build your marriage. As a witch I think fantasy to be one of the most useful things we have.