Friday, April 1, 2016

The INFJ Door Slam

High time for another INFJ-themed post, this time about the famous door slam. If I can make myself stick to my plan for this post it will not be about the door slam as generally experienced by INFJs, since there is loads of stuff published about it, and since I find I differ slightly from the general experience I want to make this a much more personal post.
The first difference I have with much that is out there is that people start with the door slam itself, whereas my experience is that when you arrive at the door slam the roots of it can be traced back to months or even years before. For me what underlies the door slam is the way the INFJ's world is dominated by rules. I have written about this before but suffice to say that one of the more difficult aspects of dealing with INFJs is that we expect you to abide by these rules without being told them!
If you break the rules, here's what happens: we obsess about it. Remember that the INFJ organises information into patterns in his head. If you break the rules we try to fit this action into what we already know about you in our heads and come to some conclusion about what your breaking the rules means. Here is where I find I tend to differ from some of the accounts on the internet, which speak about the door slam as if it happens in discreet stages: my personal experience is that this analysing (don't call it over -analysis unless you want a slap) stage is already into door slam territory because for an INFJ the rules are non-negotiable.
The rules are non-negotiable, and we understand that relationships require negotiation and so on,  but if you are ever in the position of having an INFJ explain the rules to you, you need to understand that you have violated our trust on a very deep level and it may even take years to get back to where we were.
I understand that other people don't necessarily see my rules, but I find that the other person's response to my reproach can be a deal breaker. Remember also that INFJs are people of complete integrity, so doing anything which may be perceived as rubbishing what we are telling you at this point will almost certainly lead to a door slam.
I find at this point I will often just freeze someone out if it is someone I like but who has violated my trust in some way. For an INFJ to let someone in, it requires you to get the rules and if you have to have them explained to you, you are already beyond the pale, however I won't necessarily take you apart at this point.
The more classic door slam is reserved for people who have either violated our trust for years or who we have taken an instant dislike to. These people are the classic example of people we will have loads of information on, which we will have been storing up for years. Personally the only people I can identify as in this category are my 'manager' and 'colleagues', and I have been making little notes about things for literally years. It is at this point that with relentless logic the INFJ will produce this information and destroy you with it. You will actually be surprised at what we know about you, and we will use this information.
This is the classic door slam. If we have to be in contact with you beyond this point you will find us coldly formal. However you will notice that I haven’t described a single act of slamming a door, with its overtones of temper or tantrums. That is the reason for the illustration I have chosen for this post: what actually happens is more perceived by the INFJ as you making it gradually, brick by brick, impossible for us to let you in at all.


  1. So, who's standing on the doorstep, then?

    I must take this personality test again. I'm pretty sure that I was an INFJ when I last did it 10-15 years ago, and every time you post something about being an INFJ, I find it all very familiar.

    P.S. That is a witch's house if ever I saw one!

    1. Of course INFJs are notorious for their magical ability! I have a feeling you would be a more rounded INFJ than I am though.
      You mean witches aren't good at maintenance?

    2. More rounded? Are you saying I'm fat?! Prepare yourself for a door-slam! . . . Ooh, look. I must be an INFJ!
      Seriously though, I'm going to do that test. At some point very soon. Just not right now as I have some pre-planned procrastinating to do (I'm supposed to be decorating, but really can't be bothered - I trst that answers your "witches aren't good at maintenance" question?).

    3. You'll definitely have to plane that door before you can slam it again.
      Do I psychically detect the INFJ death stare being beamed on me???

    4. You shouldn't need to be psychic to detect it, dear!


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