Narcissistic Mothers & the Cock Tease

The lovely Inexplicable DeVice commented recently on how prolific I am being. I'm pleased that he was apparently referring to my blog posts rather than anything else (if I was straight I would probably have to dejob myself to avoid crippling maintenance payments by now), although of course he hit the nail exactly on the head in commenting that the urban hedge must be fertile. And of course that is exactly what is happening, I'm sitting nicely in my hedge and the growths, challenges, and spurs that come with fecundity are coming thick and fast.

A major way my life has developed even this week is that I made the mistake of reading through an internet forum about narcissistic mothers, while trying to get to sleep. I didn't sleep much that night at all, because finally I had found a bunch of people who were describing my childhood and ongoing relationship with my mother without having been there. A friend commented that it seems a pity it has taken me so long to realise that narcissism is what has crippled my relationship with my mother, and of course it is because nobody ever says to you 'I am going to treat you in a totally personality disordered way'. My own case is also atypical because as an only child I had to be both golden boy and scapegoat at the same time: no wonder I've always felt that whatever you do for my mother is never enough! I finally have the explanation of why my own account of life with my mother differs from the experience of family friends, is that the narcissistic parent projects the dream onto the outside world and so everyone else sees the wonderful mother who is a pillar of the church and never even realise the brooding atmosphere in the house that you never know what is coming next. This explanation also accounts for my failure to negotiate a sensible relationship with her: she would either say that my personal boundaries were unreasonable, or else agree to them and just ignore them. In fact the common experience of the children of narcissistic parents is that actually the only way to deal with them is to break off all contact, which is what I have been forced to do, with the resultant tirade of harassing phone calls and bad mouthing that she has undertaken.

Another friend very kindly (we have this sort of relationship) tells me sometimes that given what my mother is like it is surprising I haven't ever completely gone off the rails (I think the only child thing actually accounts for that – it means the narcissistic parent actually has a dependence on the child so that she can never really scapegoat). Of course where this leaves me as an adult is that I now know there is no point ever hoping for an apology from my mother, or a deathbed reconciliation on any terms except hers alone. There is truly no-one else in her world and I have to get on with my life as best I can. This may all sound very tragic, but all of this is stuff that I have been living with for decades, and I am actually relieved to have an explanation for what has gone on.

Naturally such a dysfunctional mother does create a legacy for the child. For a start I have the INFJ personality, one very easily open to the kind of invalidating parenting I am talking about here. I have also read that the INFJ personality is the one most frequently found in people who have been emotionally abused. Be that as it may, a further development in my life recently has been the extent to which I have realised that I am largely an older gay man with my shit together. I have mood and addiction issues, but they are both in hand to my satisfaction and my life is about as sorted as it is going to be.

I've commented here many a time about how once you deal with a particular situation it keeps on repeating for you, and I actually have the Cock Tease, whom I have posted about several times recently, to thank for this new insight. I have been pondering why the friend I talk about above, who also knows him, perceives him really quite differently from me, and of course the reason is that he shows her the golden boy. He has shown me the real him in fits and starts over a period of years. At this point, he is out of my life about as permanently as it can ever be, and his number is blocked. I have commented before that I lionise him, and actually the really funny thing about this is that I do. I genuinely think he is wonderful. But the reason I can have no contact at all with him is that he cannot cope with the fact I lionise the real him (he's had some things happen to him, fairly guaranteed to screw you up for life). He can't cope with the real him, and so comes and goes, stamps his foot, projects the stuff he doesn't like about himself onto me, moves house frequently, changes jobs all the time, drinks ridiculously to excess, etc.

Then I was talking to another mutual friend, who told me that he commented that he induces vomiting, and that she really believes he does have bulimia. This didn't seem right to me, but lo and behold, when a friend and I looked close up at a photo in which he was showing his hands, there it was: Russell's sign . It was after I joked with him about him saying that he went really funny on me, so he obviously let that slip by mistake and doesn't want it known. Given his complex personality structure, I have to accept that I can't go there until I have some sort of satisfaction that his personality is better integrated.  

But Hound, you may be saying, it wouldn't be like you just to accept that something is so without having a good meddle. Damn, discovered. I did suggest to my friend that we do a healing spell on him (I'm good at healing, me, although it would have worked faster if he'd had sex with me), and she almost visibly blanched on the other end of the phone and commented that it would take some doing. So while I'm no further on than thinking I might do something about him magically, it is necessary to do some spying.

His general state of health at the moment: Page of Pentacles. I would interpret this as referring to his lifestyle, his attempting to live like one of those youngsters who think they can drink and so on, without any consequences.

The effect any induced vomiting is having on his health: 6 of Pentacles. He's OK for the moment, but he's literally giving it away, and can't do that for ever.

The effect his drinking is having on his health: VIII Strength. Since this is a Major Arcana I would interpret it as meaning that he is an alcoholic, he is dependent on it and has lost any battle he has attempted with it, so that it will sooner or later take over.

The effect his continuing to drink as he is will have on his life: 9 of Swords. I previously got this card for how he saw me in the light of me finally cutting him out completely (I've cocked it up again), so I would interpret this as meaning that his life will start falling apart (relationships, friendships, jobs, etc) and it will reinforce the script which underlies a narcissist's golden image that he's fairly crap.

The manner of his death at this rate: 10 of Wands. My feeling is that it will not be sudden or even soon, but I have an awful feeling that he will do something he regrets when drunk, and either have an accident or get HIV or something, and that will put him further on the skids.

What I can do to help: VI Lovers (I don't believe this). I'm inclined to interpret this as me so far doing the right thing by hopefully giving him a shock. Of course Lovers doesn't just mean lovers, there are elements of the voice divine and parenthood, and growing up involved in it. I may look out a growing up spell. Watch this space. I'm guaranteeing you haven't heard the last of this!