Agony Hound: 'My boyfriend's ex rang him three times on our romantic break - including during sex'

Today's problem is from Coleen Nolan's column in the Mirror. I've chosen it because I think a witchy answer would be quite different from Coleen's and the problem lends itself to some discernment.

Dear Coleen,

I’m a woman in my early 40s, divorced with two children. I met a fantastic guy online a few months ago and we’ve seen each other a few times now. We have even spent a romantic weekend away together.

I think this relationship could go the distance, so I’m keen to make it work. My problem is – and I don’t want to sound needy or paranoid – there’s an ex-girlfriend in the background whom he’s best mates with.

She calls him a lot and they do things for each other like feed pets (they’re both dog owners) and he’s always advising her on stuff to do with her business.

They also live near each other, so see each other quite a lot for a drink or a catch-up.

On our romantic weekend away, she called him three times, once during sex! I’m pleased to say he let that particular call go to voicemail. She must have known it was a special weekend, yet had to make her presence felt.

I’m sure there’s nothing going on between them and he even said they stopped dating a few years ago because they realised they were better as friends and the physical side of things wasn’t working. However, it’s still irritating.

Am I being unreasonable?

Coleen says

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but I just think you have to get used to their friendship.

I’m much better friends with my ex-hubby Ray now we’re not married and, genuinely, that’s all it is, friendship.

But of course I understand that from your side of the fence, it can be annoying and also make you feel a bit insecure. I was best mates with my first husband Shane after we broke up and he used to call every day, which Ray didn’t like.

In the end, I had to take his feelings into account. So, I think it’s just about a bit of give and take on both sides.

I guess calling three times in the middle of a romantic holiday would be irritating, but if she’s such a good mate, your partner should be able to say to her, “I’m having a lovely weekend with my girlfriend, I’ll talk to you when we get back”.

The important thing to remember is that just because they support each other and do things for each other, doesn’t mean they want to get back into a romantic relationship – that side of things is over. If there was anything more, they’d still be together. Source

The Hound says:

Coleen gives you very sensible advice if you want reassurance that you can continue with this relationship and compromise. I also have no doubt that you can do that but there are a few things you say which worry me. The most obvious is that you obviously feel it wasn't ok for him to be in repeat contact with his ex during your romantic weekend away, which very reasonably you would have expected to be sacrosanct to you and him. This suggests that you have different expectations which could cause trouble in the future.

I will admit to being a great romantic but some people would be concerned that you are moving into relationship territory quite quickly having only met him a few times.

I would suggest you consider what you really want in a relationship, whether he will give you this, and then how much you are prepared to compromise. To help this I would suggest making several lists and do this in your own handwriting to make it real - lists of your non-negotiable things in a relationship, the things you see in your partner and then (the most difficult) what this behaviour means for you. In writing down what his behaviour with his ex means for you, do not minimize or excuse it in any way.

Leave it at least a week, making any changes you need to make, and then you may already be very clear what you want to do. In between the extremes of dumping him and just grinning and bearing this there are a number of different ways to negotiate and communicate with him. If you don't want it to explode in your face you would be well to have a script ready. However it could simply be that he doesn't see how that feels for you and will get rid of her if you express the slightest dissatisfaction.

In which case keep hold of him!