Agony Hound: I’m so scared for my daughter’s future with my violent ex if I die

This is a Dear Deirdre again.

DEAR DEIDRE: IF anything happened to me, I am terrified that my daughter might end up with her dad or his family.

I am 28 and a single mum. I left my ex-husband six years ago because he was violent and a drunk.

Thankfully, my daughter – who is now eight – doesn’t remember any of it.

My ex has never taken the slightest interest in her life or asked to see her.

The only contact she has is twice a year when she goes to his parents’ home for a few days. They don’t see my ex.

But this week, I woke up in a cold sweat with the thought that if I were to die, my daughter could end up with him or his parents.

He is named on her birth certificate. While I like his parents, I hate there being a possibility he could walk back into her life.

DEIDRE SAYS: It is very unlikely anything like that will happen to you in the near future.

However, I understand that you want peace of mind.

You need to take legal advice to understand where you both stand should he want to come back into her life more in the future.

Please get in touch with Coram Children’s Legal Centre.

They will understand the issues here and can support you.

The fact your ex has shown no interest in your daughter’s life to date would be a factor in any court’s decision.

The Hound says:

Dealing with solicitors can be very daunting however when it comes to this situation it is the only way to deal with it properly. In addition to what Deirdre says the Citizens Advice Bureau website has a lot of useful helpsheets and you can make an appointment to talk to them. They can help explain what needs to happen next.

Do you have any support with this? It sounds like your ex's parents have got him sussed so they may be supportive and any friends you have. If you often find yourself worrying about him, the effects of abuse can be long standing and include leaving you feeling jittery, worried and generally finding it difficult to get on with life. Talking therapy can help to process your own difficult experience and your local Improving Access to Psychological Therapies service should take a self referral, or you can talk to your doctor. I am sure that as she gets older you will find ways to tell your daughter that not everyone is kind and to recognise signs of possible abusive relationships. You won't be wanting her to experience it and helping her grow up with self confidence and a clear idea of what good relationships should look like, will help with that.

Mundane bit over, this is a situation crying out for some magic. In the craft we have a saying that where there is fear there is power, and it very much sounds like this is what is your situation.

If you want a book about Witchcraft to help you understand this Inna witchy way, I would recommend Starhawk's Truth or Dare. She talks about the way oppression gets into us. Another great mother of the witchcraft movement is Z Budapest. She is a very strong feminist and some people can find her too much, but I would specifically recommend a little book called The Goddess in The Office, because there is a lot in it about power and dealing with mistreatment.

Magically there are several things you can do and I think the first is taking stock of your situation because if you're anxious things can get out of proportion. I would like you to think about what your relationship with your ex was like. If it is too painful take it slowly. Look at the good things as well as the bad and as you are doing this make a mental note of your physical feelings and emotions. This is to help you decide what you want to do next.

If it is all literally too much, don't do it, put yourself in professional hands and be easy on yourself.

How do you feel after lifting the lid?

If you feel relieved or wrung out you may want to get rid of the thoughts and emotions. There are a number of traditional ways of doing this. First make something which represents your relationship - a picture, use something he gave you or say, a wedding photo. Make a ceremony to get rid of his influence from your life. You could burn it, put it in running water, flush it away, etc. The important thing is that it is the equivalent of a funeral in your head.

Now if he comes back into your mind, it doesn't mean you've failed, it means he has got in there the way abusers do. So do it again. Nothing wrong with that, these people are difficult to get rid of. You will notice as time goes on that something in you changes, and he has less of a hold. That's how magic works.

If instead you simply want to prevent him having access to your daughter, do all the legal stuff and also use a link with him. Not something that makes you think of both of you, but is definitely connected with him. Call it by his name. Keep doing that over some time until it actually feels he is in the house. Unfortunately this kind of magic does mean connecting with these people.

Once the object is completely identified with him, put it in a plastic box, cover it with water and freeze it. As you do this address it by his name and tell him in the present 'you stay away from name'. As a statement so you are announcing it. I love this magic and freezers are great for this - it's called a binding and won't hurt him but will stop him connecting with your daughter.

If you don't feel you want to do the magical bit that's absolutely fine. Some people just want to hear what will happen and I'll tell you he won't make contact with his daughter, your only trouble will be stopping her contacting him as an adult so have a think how to explain it to her when she's old enough.