Urban Grimoire: A Spell to Break Capitalism

This one is inspired by a comment I saw that capitalism does, indeed, function like a game of Monopoly. The end is that one person is as rich as Croesus and the other people are broke and starve to death in a gutter. At this time in history we are part way through the game so nobody starts off the same and gross inequalities are built in.

But what if people don't play the game? Monopoly depends on people moving around the board and paying rent, buying streets, etc. What if they stop - at least as much as they can? 

The game can't come to its end if you don't buy anything.

That's it, that's the spell.

We don't all have the dedication to become the Moneyless Man, but we can sabotage capitalism by spending less and directing our money where we want it to go rather than one of the half dozen richest gazillionaires on the planet.

Alternatives are things like Freecycle, repair co-operatives.... The list is actually endless and they're definitely going on near you, it's just social media tends to loud pedal commerce.

Pictured below: a working class Tory Voter.

Agony Hound: 'My sisters bullied the beautiful woman I fancy, and say I should steer clear of her'

I'm slightly disappointed by Colleen's answer to this problem and naturally think I can do better.

Dear Coleen

I really like a new girl who’s joined the company where I work, but I don’t know how to talk to her. She’s my dream woman – tall, beautiful and clean living.

I’ve noticed she smiles at me, but I feel too shy to speak to someone as gorgeous as she is.

My sisters and their friends don’t like her at all because she reported them when they were at school together, which led to all kinds of drama.

They’d been calling her names, including making abusive and degrading remarks about her lack of personal hygiene, for example.

I remember her being very hurt at the time by what went on.

My sisters do not feel bad about it even now, and say she’s self-centred, ­egotistical and snobby, and she wouldn’t be interested in me because I’m not rich and successful enough.

I like her so much and would love to get to know her better and ask her out, but don’t want to embarrass myself or rake all this stuff up from school, as it might upset her.

I’d love your opinion.

Coleen says

Well, it sounds like your sisters and their mates deserved to be reported at school and suffer the consequences.

Look, who do you want to please, your sisters or yourself? I think they need to grow up and move on. How do you think they’d take it if you didn’t like their boyfriends or tried to interfere in their lives?

I think they were probably jealous of this girl at school, hence the mean girl hate-filled bullying. Source

The Hound says:

You are being given a choice here, but it's not the way your sisters are presenting it - as if it's a choice between the sisters you love and trust and some skank.

Actually the choice is between the past and a wonderful love, which I just know will transform your life.

I think you should trust your gut instinct that she's interested so the next problem is that you feel too shy to talk to her. I think if you look back in your life you'll be able to identify things which have contributed to that shyness, and I'll bet one of them was being tormented by your sisters as a child.

Look, nobody said solving your problems the witch way would be easy.

The problem with your sisters is that the support and help you can get from them is, shall we say, limited. So we now have the shyness and your sisters to deal with. Your sisters are perfectly capable of moving on from the relationship you've had up till now on their own, so I'm going to be bold and say that the way to deal with both is to tackle the woman.

Have you reflected that she could be thinking that you're hot and that's a pity because she's thinking she can't talk to you because of the row with your sisters? I think she would love it if you took the first step and broke the ice.

I'm a great one for having a script, so personally I would just think of the sort of things you would say to anyone else and say them to her. If you want to do it Hound style with no subtlety whatsoever, you could just say, 'I am so sorry my bitch sisters did that to you, would you like to go for dinner?' You could even say that you've been nervous to talk to her because of what happened and it's so embarrassing. Then if she says it's ok, tell her it isn't and your sisters deserved to be reported. You'll have her eating out of your hand.

Otherwise there are loads of ideas online to help with shyness, but trust me, the conflict with your sisters must be brought up to clear it out of the way.

Personally I would be even more brassy with your sisters and just tell them to butt out. Probably all the books would say to open up communication with them. I'm just plain irritated by them, frankly. You might find some assertiveness training helpful. If they try to engineer a fight or split the family refuse to fight them and keep pointing out that it's them doing this, not you.

Good luck!

Oh, and since this is a witch blog, get some new underwear, if it comes to it you'll only be taking them off but you don't want her to see those do you?

It's masturbation, sorry, coronation month!

Which means you can definitely do it for England this year.

To celebrate have this list of euphemisms for masturbation, purely because it appeals to my puerile sense of humour! Source

A date with Palmela Handerson

Acting out the grapes of wrath

Backing your fist

Bang yourself

Beat the beaver

Beating my meat

Beating the bishop

Bop the bolony

Choking the chicken

Clap your clit

Clean the bean

Clicking the mouse

Dating Hannie Palmer

Diddle my skittle#

Diddling

Donald trump firing his apprentice

Double clicking the mouse

Fiction friction

Fire off some knuckle-children

Five finger shuffle

Flickin’ the kitten

Flicking the bean

Flog the dolphin

Fucking yourself

Getting trigger happy

Going fishing with the man in the boat

Going to the palm prom

Greasin’ the gash

Hand to gland combat

Having a knee trembler

Hit the slit

Hitchhike To The Sky

Holding your sausage hostage

Indiana Jones finding a sweet dig

Jacking off

Jerkin the gerkin

Jerking off

Jibber jab

Jilling off

Let the beaver swim

Lubing the tube

Making it snow

Making my girl happy

Making stomach pancakes

Milking the cow

One handed baseball

Painting the ceiling

Pet the poodle

Petting the kitty

Playing air guitar naked

Playing pocket pool

Playing tug of war with the cyclops

Pole dancing

Polishing the pearl

Pumping the keg

Revving the engine

Roughing up the suspect

Rub the nub

Rubbing one out

Rubbing Rob Reiner

Ruin your eyesight

Scrach and sniff

Scraping off the scabs

Scratch n’ sniff

Shake and steak

Shuffle your Ipod

Slam the clam

Slapping the salami

Slicking Willie

Spanking the monkey

Spinnin’ a record

Squishing the squidgie

Stroking it

Stroking the one-eyed snake

Taking care of my business

Tapping the wookie on the head

Thinking of your mom

Tick the taco

Tickle your pickle

Turning Japanese

Two-finger tango

Visit from the five-fingered aunty

Visiting Rosy Palms and her five sisters

Walking the dog

Wax on, whack off

Whippin off a batch

Wrestling the one eyed monster

Abusing the wicked stick

Adjusting the antenna

Aiding and abetting a known felon

Applying the hand brake

Arguing with Henry Longfellow

Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel

Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior

Audition your hand puppet

Backstroke roulette

Badgering the witness

Barking up the wrong tree

Bash the candle

Basting the ham

Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger

Being rough with the sex stick

Be your own best friend

Beat the bishop

Beat the bologna

Beat the dummy

Beat the meat

Beat the pud

Beat the stick

Beat up your date

Beef tips stroking off

Bleed the weed

Blow your own horn

Bludgeon the beefsteak

Bop the bologna

Bop the bonzo

Box the Jesuit

Box with Richard

Brushing up on your typing skills

Buff the banana

Bugger your hand

Building upper-body strength

Burp the baby

Burp the worm

Butter the corn

Calling down for more mayo

Calling in the secret service

Caning the vandal

Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile

Charm the snake

Check for testicular cancer

Cheese off

Choke Kojak

Choke the chicken

Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come

Clamp the pipe

Clean your rifle

Cleaning out your account

Clear the snorkel

Climb the tree

Closet Frisbee

Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally

Combing your hair

Communing with nature

Consulting with your silent partner

Corral your tadpole

Couch hockey for one

Crank the love pump

Crank the shank

Crimp the wire

Crown the king

Crushing pop cans in the dark

Cuddle the kielbasa

Cuff the carrot

Daisy-chaining

Dancing in the dragon’s fiery breath

Dancing with the one-eyed sailor

Date Miss Michigan

Date Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters

Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters

Debugging the hard drive

Defrosting the fridge

Digital penile oscillation

Discovering your own potential

Distributing free literature

Do handiwork

Do it your way

Do the janitor thing

Do the white knuckler

Doing your homework

Drain the monster

Dry humping the ottoman

Eating grapes with the one-armed man

Electing the President

Engage in safe sex

Exercise one’s right

Exercising your right to privacy

Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love

Feed the ducks

Feeding bologna to the Smurfs

Feeling your way around

Fiddle the flesh flute

Firing the pound gun

Fishing with dynamite

Fist your mister

Five knuckle shuffle

Flick your Bic

Fling your phallus

Flip the bishop

Flipping your omelet

Flog the bishop

Flog the dolphin

Flog the dong

Flog the log

Flog the mule

Flogging the egg man

Fly fishing

Fondle your flagpole

Free Willy

Frost the pastries

Frosting your maple bar

Frying up the corndog

Gallop the old lizard

Gardening with the golden trowel

Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion

Get a date with Slick Mittens

Get the German soldier marching

Get to know yourself

Get your pole varnished

Give it a tug

Give your low five

Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money

Go a couple of rounds with ol’ Josh

Go blind

Go on a date with Fisty Palmer

Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela

Go the blow

Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader’s head

Submitted by Jake W.

Goose the gherkin

Grease the pipe

Greasing the three-legged cow

Hand job

Hard labor

Have one off the wrist

Helping put Mr. Kleenex’s kids through college

Hitchhike to heaven

Hitchhike underneath the big top

Hitting too close to home

Hoisting your own petard

Hold the bishop

Hold the sausage hostage

Holding your own

Hone the cone

Honk your horn

Hosing down the driveway

Hotfooting it to the nearest exit

Hug the hog

Hump your hose

Investing in pork bellies

Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell

Jack hammer

Jazz yourself

Jerk Jamby

Jerk the gherkin

Left to your own devices

Letting the cat out of the bag

Liquidating the inventory

Locking the bathroom door

Look for ticks

Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne

Lope the mule

Love the Muppet

Love’s labors lost

Lubricating the love monkey

Make a foreskin cone

Make instant pudding

Make the bald man puke

Making a cash withdrawal

Making chowder with sailor Ned

Making it up as you go along

Making magic with leftovers

Making soup

Making the bald man cry

Making the bread rise

Making the world safe for democracy

Mangle the midget

Manipulate the mango

Manual labor

Manual override

Master Bacon, meet Rosie Hancock

Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters

Milk the lizard

Milk the moose

Milk the self

Mount a corporal and four

Much goo about nothing

Nerk your throbber

Null the void

Oil the glove

Onan’s olympics

One gun salute

One man band

One-night-stand with yourself

Opening the flood gates

Pack your palm

Paddle the pickle

Paint the ceiling

Paint the pickle

Painting the flag pole

Painting the picket fence

Palm the calm

Paying at the turnpike

Peel the banana

Perform diagnostics on your man tool

Pet the lizard

Pip the pumpkin

Play a little five-on-one

Play a one-stringed guitar

Play five against one

Play in a one-man show

Play peek-a-boo

Play pocket pinball

Play pocket pool

Play tag with the pink torpedo

Play the skin flute

Play tug-o-war with Cyclops

Play Uno

Playing it safe

Playing the one-stringed melody

Playing the single-string air guitar

Plugging in the toaster

Plunk your twanger

Polish Percy in your palm

Polish the family jewels

Polish the helmet

Polish the rocket

Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter

Polish the sword

Pound off

Pound the bald-headed moose

Pound the pud

Pound your flounder

Pounding the fence post

Prepare the carrot

Prime the pump

Pull rank

Pull the bologna pony

Pull the carrot

Pull the goalie

Pull the pole

Pull the Pope

Pull the pud

Pull your own leg

Pull your taffy

Pulling your own weight

Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap

Pump the python

Pump the stump

Punch the clown

Punch the munchkin

Punish Percy in your palm

Putting your best foot forward

Putting your foot down

Putting your thumb in the porridge

Raining on your parade

Ram the ham

Relishing your hot dog

Riding the five-legged pony

Roll your own

Rolling it off the lot

Romeo and himself

Rope the pony

Rope the Pope

Rub one out

Rub the pink eraser

Rubbing Buddha’s tummy

Run off a batch by hand

Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights

Safest sex

Sailing the mayonnaise seas

Saluting the general

Sampling the secret sauce

Sand wood

Scour the tower of power

Scraping the bottom of the barrel

Scratch the itch

Screwing your courage to the sticking place

Secret handshake

Self abuse

Self-induced penile regurgitation

Sex with someone you really love

Shake hands with Abe Lincoln

Shake hands with the midget

Shake hands with the unemployed

Shake hands with your John Thomas

Shake hands with your wife’s best friend

Shake hands with Yul Brynner

Shake the sauce

Shake the sausage

Shake the snake

Shaking hands with Dr. Winky

Shellac the shillelagh

Shemp the hog

Shift gears

Shine the helmet

Shine your pole

Shoot for the moon

Shoot putty at the moon

Shoot the airplane

Shooting yourself in the foot

Shuck your corn

Sizing things up

Slam the ham

Slam the salami

Slam the salmon

Slam the Spam

Slap high fives with Yul Brynner

Slap it

Slap pappy

Slap the carrot

Slap the clown

Slap the donkey

Slap the purple-headed yogurt pistol

Slap the salami

Slapping Johnny on the back

Sling the jelly

Smack the salami

Smiting the pink knight

Snap the monkey

Snap the rubber

Snap the whip

Solo flight

Solo marathon

Solo sex

Spank Elvis

Spank the bishop

Spank the frank

Spank the monkey

Spank the salami

Spank the wank

Spanking the rooster

Spending your Christmas bonus

Squeeze the cheese

Squeeze the juice

Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube

Squeeze your cheese-dog

Squeezing the happy lumberjack

Stewing in your own juices

Stinky pinky

Stir the batter

Stir the yogurt

Strain the main vein

Straining your cabbage

Stretching the truth

Strip-mining with the spaghetti man

Stroke the carrot

Stroke the mole

Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko

Stroke the satin-headed serpent

Stroke your poker

Stroke your Twinkie

Strumming the one-string harp

Take matters into your own hands

Take part in population control

Take the fifth

Take the monster for a one-armed ride

Taking a few practice shots

Taking a load off

Talk quietly to yourself

Tame the shrew

Taunt the one-eyed weasel

Teaching the Cyclops the lambada

Tease the weenie

Tenderize the tube steak

Tending to your own affairs

Test your batteries

That crazy hand jive

Thrash your thing

Thump the pump

Thump your thong

Tickle the ivory

Tickle the pickle

Tickle the taco

Ticklewigglejigglepickle

Tipping off the inspector

Toss the snag

Toss the turkey

Toss yogurt

Tug the slug

Twang the wire

Tweak your Twinkie

Twist your crank

Unleashing the alabaster yak

Unloading the gun

Unpacking the moving van

Varnish the flagpole

Varnishing the banister

Visiting with Papa Smurf

Wake the dead

Walk the dog

Walk the plank

Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly’s shoes

Wallowing in self pity

Wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel

Wash the meat

Wax the Buick

Wax the carrot

Wax the dolphin

Waxin’ n’ Milkin’

Whack it

Whack the weasel

Whack Willy

Whip the dummy

Whip the one-eyed trouser snake

Whip the one-eyed worm

Whip the rat

Whip the stiff

Whip the wire

Whip up some sour cream

Whip your dripper

Whitewashing with Huck and Tom

Whittle the stick

Wiggling your walrus

Windsurf on Mount Baldy

Wonk your conker

Work things out

Working at your own speed

Working late at the office

Working up a foamy lather

Working without Annette

Wrestle the dragon

Wrestle the eel

Wrestling with the bald champ

Wring out your rope

Wrist aerobics

Yank the crank

Yank the yo-yo

Yank your plank

Evicting the testicular squatters

Donald Trump Yet Again

Of course you knew I wouldn't be able to leave this one alone and of course I've pulled some cards for what's going on for the orange turd.

There are three major arcana cards here which suggests big forces that he's not in control of, dominate this situation. I love it when a tarot reading reflects the obvious reality from the start.

First up we have the 7 of Cups, the Lord of Illusionary Success. As stated on the tin this card deals with illusions and similar things so I would interpret this as meaning the old fool has genuinely persuaded himself none of the cases facing him is real. This is what it's like to be a total psychopath folks.

But...

Then out popped the Moon. This might seem a bit obvious coming after the 7 of Cups, given that it reflects things which aren't seen and delusions. But being the moon it also reflects the light, and its Hebrew letter means the back of the head, which is taken to refer to the subconscious. I think this means that even Trump has an inkling that he isn't as innocent as he's persuaded himself and all these legal woes aren't just nothing burgers.

Next we have the Queen of Swords. This could certainly refer in Trump's mind to my new hero Stormy Daniels. However being a mature character card in the suit of swords which deal with thought, I am going to go with a different meaning. I think this means the thought is really dawning on him that this is going to happen. If this was a cartoon it is the bit where he's run off the cliff and has realised he's running in the air. In the Golden Dawn tarot the queen holds a cut off head, indicating she's all about thought.

Temperance has a more initiatory meaning in the Qabalistic tarot than may be apparent from its lower meaning of mixing and balancing - in fact the mixing of materials to cause transformation. This initiation is often associated with a sense of distaste which is certainly applicable here. In fact I think he's horrified by this initiation into reality and feeling...

...contained and controlled, which is the main meaning of the Chariot. This is not to say he wouldn't love to run away and isn't it lucky he has Secret Service agents with him?

To summarize: it's even sinking in for him that he's fucked.

I mentioned above that I have a new hero. And so in an unusual step I will take this opportunity to declare Stormy Daniels, Tish James, Alvin Bragg, and Jack Smith as Honorary Witches. Give them a round of applause 👏

What, do I hear you say? They haven't secured convictions yet? The annoyance they cause him alone is an indication of true witchhood.

Update: I've just discovered Stormy does oracle card readings. We all recognize each other. 😂

Spirit of Place: Kerbstone Carvings

I had a jolt the other day when walking along a street I've walked along many times before. I spotted something I've never noticed before (on the corner of Bromsgrove Street and Lower Essex Street B5):

They may appear more clearly when turned into a negative:

But what on earth was I seeing? Those markings couldn't be graffiti: those are old stone kerbstones and I couldn't see even the most deranged stonemason getting down on all fours to carve them down there. In fact the markings, especially the arrows, looked like nothing other than mediaeval masons' marks, used to identify a particular mason's work for payment. But what on earth would they be doing on a Victorian kerbstone in Birmingham? And that was how I discovered (here, here and here) that every major city in Britain has these markings on kerbstones, with most in Glasgow and London. They are thought to have the same purpose as the mediaeval markings, or else to indicate the location of services, but apart from that theory nobody has ever identified what they mean. I'd never heard of them in Birmingham before.

The other thing I've discovered is that while walking along the street with a mask 😷 on will keep the idiots away, walking along looking at the kerb will keep everyone else away. Bliss. And sure enough I've seen more. 

On the Bristol Road outside Optimax Eye Clinic (B5 7XJ):

And on the corner of Pershore Road and Raglan Road, on the opposite corner from St Mary and St Ambrose's church (B5 7RA):

I particularly love that until you look at it in detail this one appears to say Alf.

Of course my interest has been grabbed now, particularly as they're obviously not intended to be noticeable and you have to see them out of the corner of your eye, so I'll be keeping an eye out for them.

Agony Hound: Parents sell son's house after he uninvites them from wedding for not 'being good enough'

This is a problem which started as an Am I the Asshole question on Reddit (here) and seems to have caught the interest of the red-top press as well as me.

Two parents sold their son's house after he uninvited them from his wedding for not 'being good enough'. The groom disinvited his parents from his nuptials over fears they might 'embarrass' his partner's family, reports the Mirror.

The father of the husband-to-be took to social media to explain that he and his wife purchased a second home to be used by their son when he moved to college. He said they pay tax on the property, plus any maintenance fees, while their son, who pays no rent, sorts the utilities.

The dad continued to detail that the arrangement worked for years, even after the son's fiancee, who the family previously liked, moved into the home. However, he states that following a family BBQ, things all changed when they were informed by their son that they were no longer welcome at his wedding.

Posting on Reddit, the miffed father claims that he is going to put the son's house up for sale. He said: "Since he doesn't want us in his new life, he has to get out.

"According to what I was told 'We're not their kind of people'. I was livid, I called my son and asked him WTH this was about.

"He tells me that her family feel that we are not good enough and will embarrass them at a family wedding and that we are all uninvited from the wedding. I let a week go by to calm myself down and drive back to the house, the new future in-laws are in the house along with the fiancee.

"It appears that they all moved into the house. They ask me why I'm there, I tell them that since we aren't invited to the wedding, I was coming over to talk to my son.

"They tell me to leave their house. I lost it, and told them that they had 30 days to get out. Tell my son I'm selling the house and he could find somewhere else to live with all of you. I go to a realtor in town and list the house for sale."

The property problem sparked a lot of conversation on social media, with people keen to share their thoughts on the situation. Many people sided with the groom's parents over the matter.

One person wrote: "Rock on man. He was wrong and there is no amount of excuses or words to convince otherwise.

"It overall seems toxic and there is no reason why he should allow anyone to exclude his family. I could understand if maybe you haven't been supportive or there were issues but based off what I read it baffles me why he would even do this.

Another said the son was "experiencing the natural consequences of his actions." (Slightly adapted from here)

I have a slightly different perspective on this from most people who replied to the dad's question on Reddit, although I agree with them that he is not the asshole for kicking the son out of the house he owns for the circumstances of his wedding disinvite.

I do, however think that unfortunately the dad is still a little asshole, although he certainly doesn't mean to be, and the problem is his generosity to the son has backfired and probably screwed up their relationship.

It's especially unfortunate that the dad has given himself the short financial stick in the arrangement with his son over the house. It's in the States and I know that there tend to be massive taxes there that UK citizens don't expect but in the UK the dad would anyway be paying much more than the son with the way the bills are arranged, especially if the house is mortgaged.

This is generous of the dad isn't it? And shows how concerned he is that his son be spared the rent trap or have his quality of life reduced with a massive mortgage.

Isn't it?

No.

It's unfortunate, because by enabling his son to live rent- and mortgage-free it sounds very much like he's unwittingly attracted a gold-digger to the son. Not someone who is after the house, which after all belongs to the dad, but someone with social aspirations who is likely after the son's disposable income, which would of course be higher than it would be if he was paying a mortgage.

There is also a question of boundaries here for me, and I just think that as an adult it is never going to be ideal to live in a house which belongs to your family. I'm not even thinking of the sort of row that has happened here, which would risk making you homeless, but about the way it still makes you dependent on your parents since they are your landlord. So I'm British and share the national obsession with home ownership. Shoot me.

It's very unfortunate because the dad apparently had good intentions here. The best outcome would be if the fiancee dumps the son when he loses the house so that he can see she was after the lifestyle, not him. As it is, until the son comes round to thinking he's being unreasonable he will have a festering resentment towards his father for kicking him out of the house. 

I think it would have been better to give the son a cash gift towards a house outright, to stop the dependence on each other, proof the arrangement from family rows, and the son would have the satisfaction of owning his own home.

Do I even need to mention the various members of the royal family as another example of why individual autonomy is important?

And one last thing, you were thinking of turning up to the wedding anyway and making a scene, weren't you?

My Lent Book

Lent began for the Christians on the 22nd and in the practice I have stolen from them I have once again selected a Lent book. This is the practice as it appears in the Rule of St Benedict:

During the days of Lent, they should be free in the morning to read until the third hour, after which they will work at their assigned tasks until the end of the tenth hour. During this time of Lent each one is to receive a book from the library, and is to read the whole of it straight through. These books are to be distributed at the beginning of Lent. Above all, one or two seniors must surely be deputed to make the rounds of the monastery while the brothers are reading. Their duty is to see that no brother is so apathetic as to waste time or engage in idle talk to the neglect of his reading, and so not only harm himself but also distract others. Source

Every year I choose a book purely because I want to read it and it's unsuitable as a Lent book. This year it's a children's book of solve it yourself mysteries with fascinating pictures to get lost in. Because I can.