Agony Hound: 'Slept with my best mate - do we give things a go or leave it as a one-off?'

As always Coleen Nolan is a good source for problems for me to cast my witchy eye over.

Dear Coleen,

I’m a woman aged 27 and recently after a night out with my close group of friends, I slept with one of my best mates.

He’s single and so am I, but I don’t know how to play this.

I suppose if I’m honest I’ve always fancied him a bit – he’s funny and good-looking, and we just click – but being a couple has never really occurred to me because he’s either had a girlfriend or I’ve had a boyfriend.

We laughed about it the next morning, but it was a bit awkward as you would imagine. The sex was really good – the best I’ve had in a long time – so I don’t regret that.

But I’m conscious that starting some kind of romance could ruin our friendship and also make things awkward in our group if things didn’t work out.

He’s invited me out – just the two of us – but I don’t know whether it’s because he wants to give dating a go or to tell me that he thinks us sleeping together was a big mistake.

We’ve texted each other quite a bit since that night and the messages have been really nice and a little flirty.

Can romance work with a mate?

Coleen says,

Yes, I think it can. The dilemma is always can you go back to being mates if a romance doesn’t work out – that’s the risk you take.

If it turns out that one of you has stronger feelings than the other, then I think it’s hard to go back to having the same friendship as you did before.

I would just bite the bullet and say to him, “What are we going to do?” It sounds a bit like you’re waiting for him to give you a decision.

What I’d advise against is falling into a friends with benefits arrangement because I believe someone always gets hurt.

So if it was just about good sex, then look at it as a one-off – don’t do it again and just be friends.

The Hound says:

I've picked this problem because it's so sweet.

You have actually answered your own question when you say that you and your friend have always just clicked. You are clearly describing a possible relationship here.

What's confusing you is that our society has this bizarre idea that romantic or sexual relationships have to be found differently, and in a way where you go out to seek the love of your life. This is capitalism's version of dating - you put yourself on display as if for sale then have this huge wedding as if you're in a Disney film. 

There really isn't a reason why a friendship can't turn into a relationship! I think the situation you're describing is a much better approach - you've already got to know each other and the relationship has gone there on its own.

My advice would be to go out with him and see what he has to say. I disagree with Coleen's advice about friends with benefits if you think you can do it. You'll know you can't if either party starts wanting more or getting jealous, but it's possible to have sexual relationships that have a genuine intimacy without the exclusivity of a relationship. I also disagree personally with Coleen's advice about looking on the sex as a one off and carrying on being friends - some people find that very difficult to do and if you find that your one off sex ends your friendship, please don't feel you've failed or done the wrong thing.

That said my prediction is you'll be together very shortly. 😎