Another glorious opportunity to sow conflict and ruin lives! Once again this one is a Coleen Nolan.
Dear Coleen
The other day I found a packet of condoms in my son’s sports bag, so I know he’s having sex.
He’s 17 and has been dating the daughter of some friends of ours, although he won’t say much about the relationship.
If I’ve ever tried to talk about sex in the past he’s literally curled up into a ball and covered his ears!
He hates me discussing anything like that and just says he’s not an idiot and knows what he’s doing.
I feel I need to talk to him, though, especially as this girl is only 16 and her parents are very protective over her.
She’s an only child and they have big plans for her.
They know our kids have been seeing each other, but maybe they assume it’s more as friends than lovers, as they’ve known each other since they were five and have grown up together.
It’s an awkward situation all round and I’d hate my son to be irresponsible or do anything to upset this girl, as we’d never hear the end of it. Am I panicking over nothing and how do I broach the subject with my son?
Coleen says:
OK, I think you are panicking a bit and also not really giving him credit for having the condoms and obviously practising safe sex with his girlfriend.
No kid likes to talk about sex with their parents, or be sat down and given a lecture about what they can do.
The way I’ve always approached it is to let my kids know that nothing is off limits when it comes to confiding in me and asking for advice.
And if I have wanted to say something important about sex, then I haven’t made it a big scary talk. I’ve dropped it into conversation during a quiet moment.
The thing is to normalise it and don’t make it a subject that’s taboo or awkward.
Maybe the way to start is to say you found the condoms when you were doing his washing and are glad he’s practising safe sex, then tell him you’re always willing to listen if he has any questions, worries or concerns when it comes to sex and relationships.
Also, I think you need to ask yourself why you’re so worried about her parents.
Maybe this is more to do with your friendship with them and underlying tensions.
As far as I can see, your son is being responsible, and at 17, you have to expect sex to be on the agenda for many young people.
The Hound says:
I'm a bit conflicted over this one. My first instinct was to say that the reason the son won't talk to his mother about sex and relationships is because she is the sort of intrusive, nosy mother who goes through her son's bag and finds his johnnies. If it wasn't 2022 and he's got Pornhub on his phone she'd have been under his bed looking for his jazz mags.
I might be being a bit harsh, although on the other hand... The son and the girlfriend are both above the age of consent and I'm not hearing any reason this relationship should automatically be out of the question. You didn't seriously think he would talk to you when he started having sex did you? My first was a school friend and my mother thought he was a good influence on me. She was even happy to leave us alone in the house (she was a worrier) and we'd leave it ten minutes before being at it like rabbits. She had no idea this was going on and was shocked and outraged years later when I told her!
I try to give witchy answers here and I want to loud pedal autonomy here. His autonomy. I thought you were being intrusive going through his bag but you may have just never stopped doing it for years. Now is the time for him either to wash his own sports kit or put it for washing. Your eyes don't need to be in his private space because he's 17. Incidentally if all he's doing to worry you is shagging his girlfriend you haven't done a bad job.
Not gonna lie, the parents with big plans for their daughter worry me far more. The absolute worst she can get from your son (a disease, an unwanted pregnancy and life experience) can all be dealt with but controlling parents can't.
You also don't mention a dad involved here and I sense you've had a hard time parenting as a lone parent. He will thank you for both giving him some space while offering support if needed because it means you respecting what he wants and treating him as the young adult he is. Are there any family friends he has a good relationship with and would be more likely to open up to? Otherwise Coleen's advice is spot on.
Finally I'm going to let you in on a secret that men don't like telling women - a lot of men carry condoms because they give them a feeling that they could have sex. Some are even sensible and renew them when they go out of date. And even more sensible, they might practice putting them on before they have to do it in front of someone else.
So I think the bottom line here is: mum is worried, probably influenced by lone parenting, however the son is the age where he gets to make his own decisions, so mum must step back.
I made my judgement as soon as I'd read that "Dear Coleen" first sentence. And, as usual, it is in line with yours.
ReplyDeleteYes, just because someone has condoms doesn't mean they are having sex. So, nosy, controlling mum should sort herself out first, and prepare herself to support her son when the parents of his girlfriend inevitably go bonkers.
You have this way of horrifying me by agreeing like this. Shall we have children and see how they end up?
DeleteIf the Girl is 16 the Parents will inevitably go bonkers... and depending upon where one lives, she'd be considered underage and the Boy risks prosecution for a Sex Offender Status, not good for any Young Man to carry around for Life just becoz he might have been horny for a Girl close to his Age, but Underage all the same. I'm retired from our Local DA's Office and saw many a tragic File like that. I'm Raising a 16 Year Old Granddaughter, so, I'd be concerned about Raising a Great-Grandchild should any 16 Year Old become a Parent prematurely... Raising Two Generations was more than enough for me. And, I concur, Condoms is not evidence of having Sex, just the Hope of having Sex and being prepared... so perhaps his Mom is jumping to conclusions. As for Kids never wanting to talk about Sex with whose Raising them, I dunno, depends on the Family I guess, mine always told me everything voluntarily and I'd of thought ignorance would have been more blissful actually... tho' a good line of communication is a handy thing to have,.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting, Bohemian.
DeleteI always think the states where the age of majority is higher must be a bit draconian. I do love what you say about thinking ignorance would be bliss - it brings up a wonderful picture of a mother giving her kids a list of when she wants to be told and when she doesn't!
Is sacrificing a condom to make a balloon animal not the appropriate response from a parent? I'm not going to worry about what the girl's parents think. I'm sure the girl spends plenty of time worrying about it herself. I started having conversations with my son about puberty shortly before it started, and I gave him a book titled something like "All About My Body" For Boys. It approaches all topics matter of fact and with regards to health and well-being, so if he doesn't want to ask me, he can look at the book. I also look for lowkey opportunities to talk about difficult things by mentioning current news stories. What does he think about what happened and how would he handle it if he found himself in a similar situation? I'm more concerned with gun violence in the U.S. I walk my son to school every day, tell him I love him as we part and then hope some angry kid doesn't bring a gun to school. It's like we send our kids to a war zone every day, because some people believe that any amount of sensible gun laws is too much and might infringe on their civil liberties.
ReplyDeleteNow that really is bloody scary and puts the possibly having sex thing in perspective. If only everyone had the ability to do that!
DeleteActually since I wrote this I've had yet another reaction: I would be actively wanting them to be having sex just to annoy the girl's parents. Twisted and superficial, eh?