Know Thyself: Being INFJ

There is actually a point to the picture that illustrates this post: it depicts the need for INFJs to be alone & go inwards, & the odd setting indicates the way other types can perceive us a weird. But INFJs reading this will see that immediately. They'll also see that this is my blog & if I feel like a picture of a workman on the Empire State Building that's what I'll have!
One of the greatest magical precepts is that it is essential to know oneself. The reasons for that & purpose, aren't really the purpose of this post, which is about the tool I have found most useful for knowing myself. I first did the Myers-Briggs type indicator when I was probably too young really. There's an actual test that you can pay for, which is obviously better, & there are various free versions on the internet.
'But Hound,' you may say, 'you're always on about the primacy of will & individuation, not about being forced into a box!' All that is true, but the fact is I have found this test useful. I originally tested INFP. I think I probably was at the time, but I also don't think my personality was developed enough. I recently re-did the test & came out INFJ (http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/INFJ - be cautious about this wikipedia page, it completely omits the INFJ dark side & focuses on the fluffy caring bit). I am so definitely an INFJ: I even had the sense INFJs often have of being relieved to find out why I'm so weird & apparently dysfunctional! Purely as a public service I've put together a quite personal guide to what INFJs are about, since I know you've all met one & been impressed, mystified, confused, or horrified by our unusual personality structure.
INFJs only have one personality. We don't (necessarily) have personality disorders either, it's just that that one personality is very complicated. And you know the best bit? It makes perfect sense to us. In fact it seems obvious. That's why we often (frequently? Usually?) Feel misunderstood.
The primary thing that drives we INFJs is a set of rules. Seriously. This will seem strange to anyone who knows an INFJ, because we can seem the most temperamental, inconsistent people on record. If we seem like that, it's because we haven't told you the rules. Don't bother asking us what the rules are. We expect you to know. We also expect you to abide by them. Yes, this is unreasonable, but that's the way we're wired. You have to be able to sit with this bit to stand being around an INFJ.
We have magical powers. No, seriously. You needn't bother trying to tell us the truth: we already know it. This is perhaps the thing people can find most scary about INFJs (the rage - see below - can just be seen as being temperamental), but the idea that we both read people & remember tiny details for years is terrifying. Some of us make a good living out of this - either in circus side shows, or more often in the caring professions, where our ability to say the exact thing people need to hear at the right moment gives us phenomenal success.
On one level this comes from our high level of emotional competence - we read miniscule changes in people & situations that are often ignored. On the other hand I have myself often had a conversation with a stranger's unspoken thoughts, & that can't simply be nonverbal communication. I suppose a psychological explanation could be a 'dynamic' (http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychodynamics), but in the world of more concrete science, I don't think there is an explanation.
We will value the insight we have from within way above anything you may tell us. Sorry if this offends you, but our 'just know' is never wrong. Never. If you try to persuade us otherwise we will be very quick to think you are lying, even if you are really persuading yourself something is other than it is.
If you have an INFJ on your side, thank whatever gods you believe in. We are incredibly loyal, faithful, we will stand by you through thick & thin. When the rest of the world is saying you made it all up we will at the very least respect your inner world & beliefs. If we think you've been wronged, the culprit had better watch out. (Totally unsubtle) hint: if you know an INFJ, it's a good idea to be on their side.
We do not violate our word. We are actually the final word in reliability. Once we've given our word it takes some quite extraordinary circumstances to make us retract it.
In any relationship we will still need our space. Nobody ever believes we're Introverts because of our emotional competence, but we live predominantly in our inner world. We *must* spend time there or we get ill. Don't ask to be taken there - if you ask it shows you don't get it, & believe me you wouldn't like it. Similarly we're not impressed by people trying to be weird. We're the original weirdos & have levels of weirdness that will make your hair stand on end.
If we take to you, we will happily throw all the rules out of the window for you. Even if we just bend them, you may not see us doing this, because we keep the rules to ourselves. So if you've been in a friendship or relationship with an INFJ for any length of time, please know that you won't have seen it but the person will have made significant sacrifices for you. When we do this for you it is actually the highest compliment we can pay.
We are quite incredibly sensitive, both to perceived slights from others, & we will fret about little things we've said to other people.
Please don't pressurise us - we find that very difficult. We also forget how freaky, apparently inflexible & yet inconsistent we can be - our world is normal for us & it's none of those things for us. We need to hear that things are OK between us, though - if you give us too much space without that assurance we'll assume you've dropped us like a ton of bricks.
The two things that we are really vulnerable to are rejection & being disbelieved. If you don't want something we are trying to do for you, please just tell us you don't want it. That seems obvious, but if, say, you prevaricate with us or make socially acceptable excuses, we perceive that as a lie or rejection. Similarly if you think we've got something wrong, telling us why or even referring to a fact we've already said is more acceptable than 'Oh, you do make it up'. Remember we have rules, so we actually expect other people to have rules of altruism, personal respect, & honesty as well, & will respect you for it.
That said, we have a real problem with dealing with conflict - we don't like it & will always never be the initiator. If it seems like we're picking a fight, it's because that's what we think you're doing.
If you really upset us, we'll just withdraw. At that point there is no use trying to 'sort it out' - you've betrayed us in some profound way at that point & there's no mending it. The reason we won't tell you is - we expect you to know in advance that what you've done is not acceptable. If you don't 'get' that, you're already beyond the pale.
(Unfluffy bit coming). You don't want to get on the wrong side of an INFJ. If you know one of us, please pause at this moment to recall the times we've produced seemingly random scraps of information that we've had stored away for years, but that at the moment we've produced them from nowhere have been completely germane to the big picture. Remember, we see things other people don't. Even if we don't have actual notes, one of the things we do in our inner world is try out these bits of information to see how they fit into bigger pictures - one of the ways we get eureka moments of insight. We know about you. Seriously. Little things you've told us, little feelings, observations. We know what makes you tick & here's the important bit...
We will use the information we have. By the time you hear it you will seriously not be able to argue with us because it will all be settled already into a coherent, water-tight argument. We will then take you apart. You can only take my word for it that this gives us no pleasure. When cornered, we are vicious. Not violent, although we can have issues with anger & mood problems for one reason or another. What we will do is coldly, relentlessly, & logically, take you apart. We will see you as inviting this. All of your little secrets (even the ones you haven't told us) will come out. Your employers may well find out about *that* night you received a caution you haven 't told them about. Hilda Handcuffs may find out about those plants in your wardrobe. Remember information is our life-blood. We know your stuff & you will be mercilessly presented with all of it in one go. Nobody wants that. And don't forget, you *cannot* do that to us because we always hold stuff back. At this point, by the way, don't apologise, we won't believe you're sorry. So if by this stage you're not so freaked out that you'll insist on everyone you meet doing an MBTI inventory, just be nice to your friendly INFJ. OK?
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