Regular readers of the Hound's exploits & opinions will remember that I stopped a cheque to a plumber in December. At least I didn't but I thought the bank had, only to find today that they didn't & they've both been paid out.
Preparation for the ritual: it is essential that you go in to a branch of the bank for this one. It may be necessary to take sandwiches & a flask. Being catheterised may be extreme but excretory functions should be seen to before. They will almost certainly offer you coffee at some point, though, which is the sign the ritual is working.
Ritual apparel: the authorities are divided on this one. Some feel it's best to dress as the entities you're dealing with. My personal opinion is that it's best to wear whatever you wear to work, so that you can stress how this visit has inconvenienced you.
Mindset: The mindset for this one can be difficult to achieve, since you will almost certainly be feeling wound up, & completely certainly dealing with a bureaucracy that will be trying to get you to go away. The mindset is Nice. Not quite slipping over into apologetic or snarling, & if you find yourself slipping into one of those, it is essential to keep muttering the mantra 'I'm sure we can sort this out'. This may seem uncharacteristically conciliatory for the Hound, but it's how you say it that matters. You have to say one thing, but you have to mean *i'm sure you can sort this out*.
Timing for the ritual
A busy time of day. Lunchtime or just before closing is always good.
Opening to the ritual.
Approach the counter. Wait in line calmly, doing nothing to draw attention to yourself.
The demons of the outer circle
When called approach the counter smiling & state the problem clearly & calmly, without emotion, but making sure that the problem, whose responsibility it is, & how it is going to be resolved, are clear in your mind. attempts may be made to persuade you to sort it yourself, usually involving miriad phone calls. Bring yourself back to the required state of mind & state the problem & required solution again. Since the demons who guard the outer portals of the institution are always quite junior ones, they should at this point pass you on to someone senior.
Invocation in the triangle
At this point, you must under no circumstances deal with the entity that approaches you, at the counter. You must make sure a private room (the Lesser Key of Solomon calls this the triangle, but we know what they mean really) is the venue for this. Smile & say you'd rather not trumpet your business for everyone to hear.
Further attempts to get rid of the problem may be made. Bat them off smiling, & at this point a litany will take place. I repeat that at any point an offer of a cup of tea or coffee, or the entity leaving the triangle, are signs the ritual is working.
The Litany
The entity: 'I'll tell you what you can do...'
The Magician: 'No you won't, you'll tell me what you're going to do.'
The entity: 'Will you speak to..'
The Magician: 'No, you will.'
The entity: 'If you ring this number...'
The Magician: 'I'm not going to ring up that number, you're going to do it since it's the bank that's buggered it up.'
The entity: 'It would be much quicker for us if you...'
The Magician: 'I have no intention of lifting a finger to sort this since it's not of my doing.'
Up till now you have been dealing with a relatively low-level entity. The one I got was of the subset called Flash Harry. It was plain that while he was dead impressed with himself for working in a bank he had no real power nor ability, & frankly not the first idea what to do, which is why it's important to battle your way through the lower levels of the hierarchy without negotiating. At this point the entity will disappear to be replaced by a more senior demon. At this point you must on no account leave the triangle, much of your power resides in you occupying their essential retail space & refusing to leave.
You may have to repeat the litany as above. Don't forget senior demons get there by eating junior demons, you've already had a couple of them for dinner, so the senior demon will now begin to see you for what you are: a serious competitor to the title of Queen. He or she will also be keen that you perceive them as competent & reasonable, so will sometimes even make a crack about their junior. You must retain what you want in your mind & be prepared to repeat it several times again, but essentially once you've got the senior demon you're already marked down as Trouble. This is why it is essential at the beginning to be clear on what you want: if it's clear & reasonable they may even start doing it for you to get rid of you.
There are other demons in the hierarchy that can be invoked if your attempts fail, right up to the demon called Financial Services Ombudsman.
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