Urban Grimoire: A Spell to Break Capitalism

This one is inspired by a comment I saw that capitalism does, indeed, function like a game of Monopoly. The end is that one person is as rich as Croesus and the other people are broke and starve to death in a gutter. At this time in history we are part way through the game so nobody starts off the same and gross inequalities are built in.

But what if people don't play the game? Monopoly depends on people moving around the board and paying rent, buying streets, etc. What if they stop - at least as much as they can? 

The game can't come to its end if you don't buy anything.

That's it, that's the spell.

We don't all have the dedication to become the Moneyless Man, but we can sabotage capitalism by spending less and directing our money where we want it to go rather than one of the half dozen richest gazillionaires on the planet.

Alternatives are things like Freecycle, repair co-operatives.... The list is actually endless and they're definitely going on near you, it's just social media tends to loud pedal commerce.

Pictured below: a working class Tory Voter.

Agony Hound: 'My sisters bullied the beautiful woman I fancy, and say I should steer clear of her'

I'm slightly disappointed by Colleen's answer to this problem and naturally think I can do better.

Dear Coleen

I really like a new girl who’s joined the company where I work, but I don’t know how to talk to her. She’s my dream woman – tall, beautiful and clean living.

I’ve noticed she smiles at me, but I feel too shy to speak to someone as gorgeous as she is.

My sisters and their friends don’t like her at all because she reported them when they were at school together, which led to all kinds of drama.

They’d been calling her names, including making abusive and degrading remarks about her lack of personal hygiene, for example.

I remember her being very hurt at the time by what went on.

My sisters do not feel bad about it even now, and say she’s self-centred, ­egotistical and snobby, and she wouldn’t be interested in me because I’m not rich and successful enough.

I like her so much and would love to get to know her better and ask her out, but don’t want to embarrass myself or rake all this stuff up from school, as it might upset her.

I’d love your opinion.

Coleen says

Well, it sounds like your sisters and their mates deserved to be reported at school and suffer the consequences.

Look, who do you want to please, your sisters or yourself? I think they need to grow up and move on. How do you think they’d take it if you didn’t like their boyfriends or tried to interfere in their lives?

I think they were probably jealous of this girl at school, hence the mean girl hate-filled bullying. Source

The Hound says:

You are being given a choice here, but it's not the way your sisters are presenting it - as if it's a choice between the sisters you love and trust and some skank.

Actually the choice is between the past and a wonderful love, which I just know will transform your life.

I think you should trust your gut instinct that she's interested so the next problem is that you feel too shy to talk to her. I think if you look back in your life you'll be able to identify things which have contributed to that shyness, and I'll bet one of them was being tormented by your sisters as a child.

Look, nobody said solving your problems the witch way would be easy.

The problem with your sisters is that the support and help you can get from them is, shall we say, limited. So we now have the shyness and your sisters to deal with. Your sisters are perfectly capable of moving on from the relationship you've had up till now on their own, so I'm going to be bold and say that the way to deal with both is to tackle the woman.

Have you reflected that she could be thinking that you're hot and that's a pity because she's thinking she can't talk to you because of the row with your sisters? I think she would love it if you took the first step and broke the ice.

I'm a great one for having a script, so personally I would just think of the sort of things you would say to anyone else and say them to her. If you want to do it Hound style with no subtlety whatsoever, you could just say, 'I am so sorry my bitch sisters did that to you, would you like to go for dinner?' You could even say that you've been nervous to talk to her because of what happened and it's so embarrassing. Then if she says it's ok, tell her it isn't and your sisters deserved to be reported. You'll have her eating out of your hand.

Otherwise there are loads of ideas online to help with shyness, but trust me, the conflict with your sisters must be brought up to clear it out of the way.

Personally I would be even more brassy with your sisters and just tell them to butt out. Probably all the books would say to open up communication with them. I'm just plain irritated by them, frankly. You might find some assertiveness training helpful. If they try to engineer a fight or split the family refuse to fight them and keep pointing out that it's them doing this, not you.

Good luck!

Oh, and since this is a witch blog, get some new underwear, if it comes to it you'll only be taking them off but you don't want her to see those do you?

It's masturbation, sorry, coronation month!

Which means you can definitely do it for England this year.

To celebrate have this list of euphemisms for masturbation, purely because it appeals to my puerile sense of humour! Source

A date with Palmela Handerson

Acting out the grapes of wrath

Backing your fist

Bang yourself

Beat the beaver

Beating my meat

Beating the bishop

Bop the bolony

Choking the chicken

Clap your clit

Clean the bean

Clicking the mouse

Dating Hannie Palmer

Diddle my skittle#

Diddling

Donald trump firing his apprentice

Double clicking the mouse

Fiction friction

Fire off some knuckle-children

Five finger shuffle

Flickin’ the kitten

Flicking the bean

Flog the dolphin

Fucking yourself

Getting trigger happy

Going fishing with the man in the boat

Going to the palm prom

Greasin’ the gash

Hand to gland combat

Having a knee trembler

Hit the slit

Hitchhike To The Sky

Holding your sausage hostage

Indiana Jones finding a sweet dig

Jacking off

Jerkin the gerkin

Jerking off

Jibber jab

Jilling off

Let the beaver swim

Lubing the tube

Making it snow

Making my girl happy

Making stomach pancakes

Milking the cow

One handed baseball

Painting the ceiling

Pet the poodle

Petting the kitty

Playing air guitar naked

Playing pocket pool

Playing tug of war with the cyclops

Pole dancing

Polishing the pearl

Pumping the keg

Revving the engine

Roughing up the suspect

Rub the nub

Rubbing one out

Rubbing Rob Reiner

Ruin your eyesight

Scrach and sniff

Scraping off the scabs

Scratch n’ sniff

Shake and steak

Shuffle your Ipod

Slam the clam

Slapping the salami

Slicking Willie

Spanking the monkey

Spinnin’ a record

Squishing the squidgie

Stroking it

Stroking the one-eyed snake

Taking care of my business

Tapping the wookie on the head

Thinking of your mom

Tick the taco

Tickle your pickle

Turning Japanese

Two-finger tango

Visit from the five-fingered aunty

Visiting Rosy Palms and her five sisters

Walking the dog

Wax on, whack off

Whippin off a batch

Wrestling the one eyed monster

Abusing the wicked stick

Adjusting the antenna

Aiding and abetting a known felon

Applying the hand brake

Arguing with Henry Longfellow

Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel

Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior

Audition your hand puppet

Backstroke roulette

Badgering the witness

Barking up the wrong tree

Bash the candle

Basting the ham

Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger

Being rough with the sex stick

Be your own best friend

Beat the bishop

Beat the bologna

Beat the dummy

Beat the meat

Beat the pud

Beat the stick

Beat up your date

Beef tips stroking off

Bleed the weed

Blow your own horn

Bludgeon the beefsteak

Bop the bologna

Bop the bonzo

Box the Jesuit

Box with Richard

Brushing up on your typing skills

Buff the banana

Bugger your hand

Building upper-body strength

Burp the baby

Burp the worm

Butter the corn

Calling down for more mayo

Calling in the secret service

Caning the vandal

Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile

Charm the snake

Check for testicular cancer

Cheese off

Choke Kojak

Choke the chicken

Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come

Clamp the pipe

Clean your rifle

Cleaning out your account

Clear the snorkel

Climb the tree

Closet Frisbee

Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally

Combing your hair

Communing with nature

Consulting with your silent partner

Corral your tadpole

Couch hockey for one

Crank the love pump

Crank the shank

Crimp the wire

Crown the king

Crushing pop cans in the dark

Cuddle the kielbasa

Cuff the carrot

Daisy-chaining

Dancing in the dragon’s fiery breath

Dancing with the one-eyed sailor

Date Miss Michigan

Date Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters

Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters

Debugging the hard drive

Defrosting the fridge

Digital penile oscillation

Discovering your own potential

Distributing free literature

Do handiwork

Do it your way

Do the janitor thing

Do the white knuckler

Doing your homework

Drain the monster

Dry humping the ottoman

Eating grapes with the one-armed man

Electing the President

Engage in safe sex

Exercise one’s right

Exercising your right to privacy

Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love

Feed the ducks

Feeding bologna to the Smurfs

Feeling your way around

Fiddle the flesh flute

Firing the pound gun

Fishing with dynamite

Fist your mister

Five knuckle shuffle

Flick your Bic

Fling your phallus

Flip the bishop

Flipping your omelet

Flog the bishop

Flog the dolphin

Flog the dong

Flog the log

Flog the mule

Flogging the egg man

Fly fishing

Fondle your flagpole

Free Willy

Frost the pastries

Frosting your maple bar

Frying up the corndog

Gallop the old lizard

Gardening with the golden trowel

Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion

Get a date with Slick Mittens

Get the German soldier marching

Get to know yourself

Get your pole varnished

Give it a tug

Give your low five

Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money

Go a couple of rounds with ol’ Josh

Go blind

Go on a date with Fisty Palmer

Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela

Go the blow

Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader’s head

Submitted by Jake W.

Goose the gherkin

Grease the pipe

Greasing the three-legged cow

Hand job

Hard labor

Have one off the wrist

Helping put Mr. Kleenex’s kids through college

Hitchhike to heaven

Hitchhike underneath the big top

Hitting too close to home

Hoisting your own petard

Hold the bishop

Hold the sausage hostage

Holding your own

Hone the cone

Honk your horn

Hosing down the driveway

Hotfooting it to the nearest exit

Hug the hog

Hump your hose

Investing in pork bellies

Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell

Jack hammer

Jazz yourself

Jerk Jamby

Jerk the gherkin

Left to your own devices

Letting the cat out of the bag

Liquidating the inventory

Locking the bathroom door

Look for ticks

Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne

Lope the mule

Love the Muppet

Love’s labors lost

Lubricating the love monkey

Make a foreskin cone

Make instant pudding

Make the bald man puke

Making a cash withdrawal

Making chowder with sailor Ned

Making it up as you go along

Making magic with leftovers

Making soup

Making the bald man cry

Making the bread rise

Making the world safe for democracy

Mangle the midget

Manipulate the mango

Manual labor

Manual override

Master Bacon, meet Rosie Hancock

Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters

Milk the lizard

Milk the moose

Milk the self

Mount a corporal and four

Much goo about nothing

Nerk your throbber

Null the void

Oil the glove

Onan’s olympics

One gun salute

One man band

One-night-stand with yourself

Opening the flood gates

Pack your palm

Paddle the pickle

Paint the ceiling

Paint the pickle

Painting the flag pole

Painting the picket fence

Palm the calm

Paying at the turnpike

Peel the banana

Perform diagnostics on your man tool

Pet the lizard

Pip the pumpkin

Play a little five-on-one

Play a one-stringed guitar

Play five against one

Play in a one-man show

Play peek-a-boo

Play pocket pinball

Play pocket pool

Play tag with the pink torpedo

Play the skin flute

Play tug-o-war with Cyclops

Play Uno

Playing it safe

Playing the one-stringed melody

Playing the single-string air guitar

Plugging in the toaster

Plunk your twanger

Polish Percy in your palm

Polish the family jewels

Polish the helmet

Polish the rocket

Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter

Polish the sword

Pound off

Pound the bald-headed moose

Pound the pud

Pound your flounder

Pounding the fence post

Prepare the carrot

Prime the pump

Pull rank

Pull the bologna pony

Pull the carrot

Pull the goalie

Pull the pole

Pull the Pope

Pull the pud

Pull your own leg

Pull your taffy

Pulling your own weight

Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap

Pump the python

Pump the stump

Punch the clown

Punch the munchkin

Punish Percy in your palm

Putting your best foot forward

Putting your foot down

Putting your thumb in the porridge

Raining on your parade

Ram the ham

Relishing your hot dog

Riding the five-legged pony

Roll your own

Rolling it off the lot

Romeo and himself

Rope the pony

Rope the Pope

Rub one out

Rub the pink eraser

Rubbing Buddha’s tummy

Run off a batch by hand

Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights

Safest sex

Sailing the mayonnaise seas

Saluting the general

Sampling the secret sauce

Sand wood

Scour the tower of power

Scraping the bottom of the barrel

Scratch the itch

Screwing your courage to the sticking place

Secret handshake

Self abuse

Self-induced penile regurgitation

Sex with someone you really love

Shake hands with Abe Lincoln

Shake hands with the midget

Shake hands with the unemployed

Shake hands with your John Thomas

Shake hands with your wife’s best friend

Shake hands with Yul Brynner

Shake the sauce

Shake the sausage

Shake the snake

Shaking hands with Dr. Winky

Shellac the shillelagh

Shemp the hog

Shift gears

Shine the helmet

Shine your pole

Shoot for the moon

Shoot putty at the moon

Shoot the airplane

Shooting yourself in the foot

Shuck your corn

Sizing things up

Slam the ham

Slam the salami

Slam the salmon

Slam the Spam

Slap high fives with Yul Brynner

Slap it

Slap pappy

Slap the carrot

Slap the clown

Slap the donkey

Slap the purple-headed yogurt pistol

Slap the salami

Slapping Johnny on the back

Sling the jelly

Smack the salami

Smiting the pink knight

Snap the monkey

Snap the rubber

Snap the whip

Solo flight

Solo marathon

Solo sex

Spank Elvis

Spank the bishop

Spank the frank

Spank the monkey

Spank the salami

Spank the wank

Spanking the rooster

Spending your Christmas bonus

Squeeze the cheese

Squeeze the juice

Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube

Squeeze your cheese-dog

Squeezing the happy lumberjack

Stewing in your own juices

Stinky pinky

Stir the batter

Stir the yogurt

Strain the main vein

Straining your cabbage

Stretching the truth

Strip-mining with the spaghetti man

Stroke the carrot

Stroke the mole

Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko

Stroke the satin-headed serpent

Stroke your poker

Stroke your Twinkie

Strumming the one-string harp

Take matters into your own hands

Take part in population control

Take the fifth

Take the monster for a one-armed ride

Taking a few practice shots

Taking a load off

Talk quietly to yourself

Tame the shrew

Taunt the one-eyed weasel

Teaching the Cyclops the lambada

Tease the weenie

Tenderize the tube steak

Tending to your own affairs

Test your batteries

That crazy hand jive

Thrash your thing

Thump the pump

Thump your thong

Tickle the ivory

Tickle the pickle

Tickle the taco

Ticklewigglejigglepickle

Tipping off the inspector

Toss the snag

Toss the turkey

Toss yogurt

Tug the slug

Twang the wire

Tweak your Twinkie

Twist your crank

Unleashing the alabaster yak

Unloading the gun

Unpacking the moving van

Varnish the flagpole

Varnishing the banister

Visiting with Papa Smurf

Wake the dead

Walk the dog

Walk the plank

Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly’s shoes

Wallowing in self pity

Wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel

Wash the meat

Wax the Buick

Wax the carrot

Wax the dolphin

Waxin’ n’ Milkin’

Whack it

Whack the weasel

Whack Willy

Whip the dummy

Whip the one-eyed trouser snake

Whip the one-eyed worm

Whip the rat

Whip the stiff

Whip the wire

Whip up some sour cream

Whip your dripper

Whitewashing with Huck and Tom

Whittle the stick

Wiggling your walrus

Windsurf on Mount Baldy

Wonk your conker

Work things out

Working at your own speed

Working late at the office

Working up a foamy lather

Working without Annette

Wrestle the dragon

Wrestle the eel

Wrestling with the bald champ

Wring out your rope

Wrist aerobics

Yank the crank

Yank the yo-yo

Yank your plank

Evicting the testicular squatters